A lot has changed over the years. I like to think I’ve grown as a person, but I know I still have quite a few faults I need to work on. I think I’ve gotten calmer, more patient, not rising to baiting…
But I think I’m more accepting of myself than ever before. I’ve come to terms with who I am, and while I’m not sure I can really trust others anymore, at the same time, I think it frees me up to help people more. I don’t worry about how they view me, I can focus on taking care of myself and my family. If people don’t like me, they can either talk to me about why, or they can shove off. I don’t have time for people throwing random insults.
Both of my boys are now diagnosed autistic, with my eldest also ADHD. None of that was a surprise. Since they’ve gotten older and communication is better, life has gotten a little easier, although new difficulties pop up, especially with schooling, but we do what we can to cope. It’s hard to tell if they like school, but I’m prepared to homeschool them just in case. My eldest has experienced bullying, and I’m proud of him, because he made the bully into a friend. It was a strange outcome no one expected, but I love it.
I’ve mostly been focusing on my family, my hobbies, especially my writing. I’ve written over 1.5 million words since 2014, and I think I’ve gotten a lot better since I started. That’s the whole point, lol. And I mean I’ve gotten better in many ways concerning my writing, not just better at writing, but better at using my writing as a tool to analyze myself, to see what’s really bothering me so I can work on that better.
One of these days I’ll post my work online. Maybe. That’s still something that’s difficult for me to do, both for how personal my writing is, and how I still lack confidence that people will like it. I suppose losing a lot of friends and support over the years has affected that as well. I may not care as much about what others think of me, but there will always be this small negative voice inside me, poking me, especially with things that are so personal to me, since I use my writing as therapy.
Even though it’s been years, I do still feel sadness, or sometimes anger, at things that happened with that group that was supposed to be a support group, or people I thought were good friends who just cut off all communication with no reasoning at all. I think that sort of thing will stay with me for a while. That stuff changed who I am, it changed how I see the world, and I really try to make that change a change for the better, but I cannot deny the feelings of bitterness, resentment, anger… not so much hatred, though. Confusion, but I don’t hate them. They were caught up in something, and I think it must have twisted how they see the world, that they deemed their actions as good. They honestly didn’t see themselves as doing anything wrong, but that power went to their heads and others followed them.
They tried to destroy my social life by spreading lies, but I never really had a social life anyway. I feel better without that pressure to make myself liked, to try to fit into a group… it made me realize that it’s impossible for me. They always want to change who I am to fit who they want me to be, and I would rather be me. My husband loves me as I am, my children and parents and brother and other family members accept me for who I am and don’t want to change me. They’re the ones who matter. I know my boys are going to be feeling this social pressure… they already do. Back in kindergarten, my eldest said he wanted to be a girl because the girls there said he can’t like tea parties, only girls can like tea parties. Well, guess what, tea parties are gender neutral 😛