Touch

I have sensory issues, one of which is being touched. I hate it, unless the circumstances are right, I guess. Because I don’t mind (most of the time) when my husband touches me. I always thought that it was because I have fibromyalgia, and so I’m really sensitive. Before I found out about the fibro, it made no sense whatsoever.

Sometimes when someone touches me, I react violently or just jerk away. Sometimes I’ll freeze, uncertain on how to react. Most of the time it makes me feel sick to my stomach. Sometimes I’ll dream that someone is touching me and I can’t get away, can’t make them stop and it freaks me out. It evokes the Fight or Flight instinct, and if it ever happens in real life, the person doing it will get hit. My brother and husband know this. 

It’s funny, but I can’t even stand to see people touch in certain ways. Such as if someone is constantly rubbing their leg, or face, or touching someone else, I cannot stand it. I can’t stand to see people tapping either. I’ve managed to gain a lot of control over the years, thankfully, so I don’t think most people even realize it’s bothering me unless I can no longer contain it. 

Touch sensitivities go the other way too. I have an obsession with soft cuddly blankets, I have to touch things, especially clothing in the stores. I love to go to fabric stores just to snuggle the premier velvet at $27/yd… I also love soft fluffy animals, like cats. I also love horses and need to go riding again. For some reason I’m not as much of a dog person. I can’t stand the smell or being licked. 

I don’t think I was like this as a baby, or even a small child. I can’t remember when it started. I know I was a clingy baby/toddler and I remember snuggling with my parents, quite the opposite of my brother who didn’t care for being held or snuggled. He enjoyed playing off in a corner by himself. I think that difference was one thing that made Aspergers seem like a far-fetched idea for me. These days it’s so much easier to diagnose, but I think it’s a delicate process that needs plenty of research. I refuse to have a label just slapped on me just because. I need to know for certain. The hard part is going to be talking to my therapist about it. I suppose that’s another reason I decided to start this, so I can figure out what to tell her…

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