I am a ball of emotions that are tumbling around in this red world full of emptiness. There is nothing, there is no one living being, there are no plants, there is no water. Only the stones that build the layers upon layers of bridges and plateaus. No ceiling, nor floor, nor walls can be seen. I feel empty, I feel lost, I feel confused, I feel angry, I am full of rage, I feel depressed. I want to scream, I want to break things and throw things, and scream. Holding it inside is something I’m used to. I cannot let it out anymore and it kills me. It’s eating me from the inside out. Writing it out is my therapy, and it’s the best one I have. I am stressed, I am worried, terrified, and my dreams are full of fear and helplessness.
I wrote a part of a dream I recently had down. “Danny lay curled up in the fetal position, not daring to move. Fear had paralyzed him. He was painfully aware of his nakedness and vulnerability, but he no longer cared. What did it matter with the monster still nearby? Never had he felt so powerless. He heard a grunt and shuffling sounds as if the monster was getting up again. He prayed it would just ignore him and leave. Hearing the footsteps come towards him, his panic flared. No no no no no no. He whispered over and over again. Not again, please not again. A strangled cry escaped his lips as a large hand gripped his neck. He knew it was futile but he fought with everything he had. His attempts got a laugh out of his attacker. He was picked up, flailing, and thrown like a ragdoll through the air, landing in a crumpled heap. He pushed himself and stood up, trying to run away, but a foot caught him in the back and he fell down again. Gasping for air, he tried again, knowing the beast was toying with him as a cat would a mouse. Sometimes the mouse could escape if the cat got careless.
It let him run for a while, giving him a fleeting bit of hope, before easily catching up with him. He knew the second before he was going to get caught and prepared himself. It grabbed a leg and hung him embarrassingly upside down. The monster wasn’t that much taller than Danny, so his head almost hit the ground. Seeing a chance, he grabbed a leg and in a swift motion pulled himself to it and bit as hard as he could. He was rewarded with a yell and was promptly dropped on his head. Lights flashed before his eyes but he scrambled up and ran again. The beast was through playing games and was on him like fire, beating him with its fists.
Danny lay sprawled on his back on the ground, barely aware that the monster had stopped beating him. He was gasping for air, but his chest hurt so badly to breathe. His attacker let him rest a little before grabbing an arm and flipping him over. Danny closed his eyes and cried, unable to fight it anymore.“
There’s so much more to it… I tried to write it down with as much feeling as I could, so that anyone reading it could feel within their very soul the helplessness, the futility, the feeling of being trapped yet trying so desperately to escape, grasping at any glimmer of hope. Crying only releases a little of what is trapped inside. There is a monster inside and I can’t let it out, even though I desperately want to. I think it would do more harm than good, but perhaps it does more harm being kept locked up. Maybe if I let it out, people would realize I’m not as well off as they think. Haha, like I want them to think I’m actually dangerous. I’m just in pain, agonizing lonely desperate delirious pain. I don’t want to die, I just want to be free. I want to soar with the birds, swim with the fish, run with the horses. Their lives are harsh, but they have a freedom I desperately long for.