Nerves/freewrite

This past week has been so busy and stressful, I can’t believe it’s Thursday. It’s going to be another busy evening and then I have to wake up early for tomorrow. Crap. That’s tomorrow. I feel like I’m on the verge of an anxiety attack about tomorrow. I don’t even know why… I mean, we’re just going over test results. It’s not even like anything she says will change who I am. I guess one of my fears is that she won’t consider me on the spectrum because she thinks I’m too empathetic. Can that happen? Can she base everything off of that? Other women have been turned away and told they weren’t on the spectrum based solely on their acting abilities. “Oh you don’t appear autistic, so you’re just imagining everything else.” I’m in my late twenties, I’ve had plenty of time to study human behaviours and I still get confused and don’t understand a lot. I have spent a lot of time observing expressions, watching movies and tv because they make it easier to tell what expression is what. The music, the lighting, the psychology… But guessing at a script and intentions isn’t the same as instinctively knowing.

Why am I even worried… In the few months that I’ve started piecing the puzzle together, has this diagnosis become more to me than just someone telling me something? When I first started seeking a professional diagnosis, it was more for curiosity sake. Now… Now it almost feels like it really means something. I don’t know what, but it’s kind of scary. I mean, this is a human telling me something that may or may not even be true! And I’m putting a lot into what her professional opinion is. If I don’t get a diagnosis based only on appearance… It’d be like the West Memphis Three (obviously a huge exaggeration). They were finally admitted to be innocent after so freakishly long. They were originally thought to be guilty based only on appearance and what music they listened to. Now, it’s not that I want the diagnosis of Asperger’s (HFA in May, I guess). I want the truth. I don’t want someone to tell me something I want to hear, I want to know what’s really going on. I don’t want someone to tell me something they think based on outward appearances that they only got to see for maybe 3 hours and not in a social situation or anything. 

I’m seriously overthinking this crap. I can’t help it, it’s just in my head and even writing right now isn’t helping get it out. Tomorrow morning on the drive I’m sure my heart will be pounding. I won’t be able to think straight… I’ll tell myself to breathe and practice deep breathing exercises and it won’t help because I’ll continue to obsess on it. It’s a cycle I’ve not learned how to break out of yet.

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