Needing to write

I was perusing a few blogs that talked about autism and Asperger’s, and now I kinda feel… low. Not really sad, but like a weight has been dropped on me. It’s not quite depression, although I think it has the propensity to become much worse. And so I am writing because I must try to stave it off as best I can. My mind is still obsessed with thinking on the visit with the psychologist and the more I think about it and talk with others, the more disappointed I am in it. In her abilities. And then I second guess myself and wonder if I’m being fair, if I’m being correct. Perhaps it’s a little bit of both. She’s made it painfully clear that she only knows textbook examples, whereas I have spoken to many who have been professionally diagnosed who all completely discount her views as black and white biased thinking.

See, the psychologist said (and I’ll quote the best I can), “When people with Asperger’s see someone crying, they’ll look up from what they’re doing and go, “Oh, someone’s crying.” And go back to whatever they were doing.” She seems to think it’s impossible for anyone on the spectrum to feel anything for another person! I thought this was outdated thinking and I’m upset that it’s still prevalent in the field today. While I don’t want psychologists to just randomly hand out an ASD diagnosis because they feel like it, I don’t want the people who are really on the spectrum to be shoved to the side because of faulty thinking. It’s unfair. Especially for the fact that people pay these professionals to know what they’re talking about, and when people who have spent time talking to a lot of people on the spectrum (both professionally diagnosed and self diagnosed) know more than the professional… well I suppose then it’s no wonder there are so many self diagnosed out there. I don’t want to be self diagnosed. I want someone who actually knows what they’re talking about. It muddies the water to have people misdiagnosing. It skews results. I hate that.

I did email the psychologist. Unfortunately the email system they use only allowed me 1000 characters, so I had to severely edit my email, as it was near 2000 characters. I feel like my message didn’t convey the entire meaning and all I was able to cover was how I thought she was using a male oriented guideline. I didn’t even get to cover the empathy bit. I don’t even know if I should bother… I mean, I really feel like I need to, but I’m debating myself on whether or not it would be a good idea. I want to first see how she responds to the first email and then I’ll have a better idea on how to approach her. It feels like it takes me forever to think about things and to process them properly. You know how someone insults you and you can’t think of anything witty, until a couple days later you suddenly think of a witty retort? Yeah. All the time… Another huge reason I prefer the internet to actually speaking to people. I need time to process things, time to research things, time to understand. And if I accidentally take something wrong, I prefer being able to take time to think about it before I unjustly take someone’s head off. I have a bad habit of not being able to censor my mouth. Another reason I’m quiet. I’ve been teased and insulted for my mouth too many times. Granted most of the time my family comments it’s to say things like, “Oh you’re so cute!” or “You’re such a goofball!” And that doesn’t really feel very good when I try to be very serious. I hate not being taken seriously.

I’m tired. Sure my body is tired, but this feels more like a mental/emotional exhaustion. Right now I’m not sure how to describe how I’m feeling. It’s kind of neutral, but sad feeling. I should go to bed. It’s almost midnight and the baby will be up soon, maybe. He might sleep a while longer. Either way, they’ll both be up around 6-7. While I wish I had the answers right now, I will have to wait. I may never find them, but I will try.


One thought on “Needing to write

  1. marieolivia

    I completely understand how this is frustrating you and making you tired. When you first seek guidance/help with a therapist the least you expect is for him/her to understand you, and it doesn’t really sound like this psychologist does. Maybe you could find another one?
    Aspergers is very different in men from women and it seems as if your psychologist as you said is following a male oriented guideline. Maybe it would be hard for you to make him/her to see that he/she is wrong, and the best thing would be to find someone who has experienced more and had more encounters with people on the Autism spectrum. Good luck with finding your answers!


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