Originally, I wrote that I don’t think my spirit can break. But I’ve not experienced extreme bullying, badgering, torture, etc nonstop until I snap, so I really can’t say. But considering what I have been through, all the thoughts of suicide, the attempts… I think they all failed because my spirit wouldn’t break. I cannot kill myself. Even at my darkest, I could not do it. There is still hope while there is breath, and I have experienced the joy that comes after the storm. Rising above the darkness is a wonderful thing. Experiencing the joys in life is worth going through the pits of hell. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it, especially while at the bottom. I always told my husband that he’d have to give me children before he died so that I’d have something to live for. I think that’s the only thing that would break me, would be to lose my family…
I’ve often had nightmares of bands of people, gangs, beating my husband up, forcing me to watch, and all the anger and hatred built up so much that I exploded in an atomic mushroom cloud of energy, obliterating all who were torturing us. I wish I could properly explain the intensity of those feelings, it’s just so… powerful. I’m not sure if “normal” people can feel this intensity without actually being in the situation, I’m not that versed on over-sensitive vs “normal”. There might not even be a difference when imagining a situation like that. Heaven help anyone who hurts my family.
On another note, I emailed the psychologist. I think I’ll be getting a second opinion just to be absolutely certain it was done somewhat correctly. I’m not very pleased with her responses, mainly because it feels like she’s… changing her story? Playing mindgames? Patronizing? I can’t read her tone through her words, but it doesn’t feel straightforward and honest. Maybe it’s because she already told me she lied to me (as a test) and I didn’t pick it up at all and now I don’t feel I can trust anything she says. Especially since she thinks Autism Speaks is a good website… I don’t see how asking a bunch of autistics how they feel when someone is crying is bad research. Who would know better than they? Someone who thinks it’s a disease? Someone who thinks autistics are cursed? I’ve seen a lot of insults online, and read them in magazines, and heard them in person. There are so many misconceptions out there and they don’t want to listen to reason. They hate logic… They hate anything that doesn’t fit into their neat little box.
Anyway… Based on what the psychologist told me and what the criteria is for the DSM V (and IV) for diagnosing an ASD, I definitely fit. I also didn’t see anything about having too much empathy as criteria for not being on the spectrum, so either she is basing her conclusion on something else and lying, or she’s highly mistaken. Either way, I’m feeling… upset? Like she didn’t do it correctly? I hate it when people let their own prejudice, preconceived notions, or opinions get in the way of proper scientific analysis. And judging someone based on 2 hours is just not enough time, especially when said person is being tested, lacking sleep and food, on her cycle, and insanely uncomfortable.
Here are her replies:
“In some ways you are correct. The DSM-IV criteria for ASD is the same of males and females; there are not separate criteria for females. ASD tends to be more common in males but still, around 25% of diagnosed cases are in females. I’ve working with many females on the spectrum and although you have some traits of ASD, you don’t quite seem to be appropriate for this diagnosis at this time. However, it can be hard to tell, in part due to your significant depression. Regardless, the treatment recommendations I made are irrespective of diagnosis; they wouldn’t be any different if you had fallen on the spectrum. However, I can refer you for a second opinion if you feel that the current assessment is inadequate. I am more than happy to do so.
(second reply concerning empathy)
Thank you for your concern. I am indeed aware that people on the ASD spectrum have empathy and that they have difficulty showing it, but I appreciate your thoughtfulness and concern for others. A word of caution; internet chat groups may not be the best places to gather information on ASD as much of the information is anecdotal and difficulty to verify. Websites such as the “Autism Speaks” website, as well as information from any of the Autism Centers for Excellence at various universities are good sources of reliable, empirically based information. Best of luck in your quest for knowledge! Please let me know if you would like the second opinion so I can write the referral for you..”