Chocolate

I am depressed. No denying it today. I’m so tired and just bleh. It’s not like suicidal, but I’m at the point where I can’t stand my kids. Today they have decided must be bother mommy by pinching her day. I do not even want to be touched, and they’re causing me pain. My baby is in the “grab boob and shove in mouth and bite” stage and even with his nails clipped it still really hurts. And when I take him off for the biting, he screams. I think he’s teething. It’s days like this that are the worst for me, and anyone around me. So why am I feeling so irritable and depressed today? Did I have too much sugar yesterday? Did I eat something I’m allergic to? Is it the lack of sleep? Or is it just stress? All of the above?

Screaming babies does not help at all. I just want to be left alone… and they keep touching me! I am not very sane right now I think. It is taking a lot of self control to stop myself from lashing out at the kids. It’s not their fault, and they are incapable of understanding that I’m having a bad day. When my toddler grabbed my arm and pinched/twisted right where I have a very painful insect (or spider) bite, the jolt of pain caused me to have a violent reaction. I just grabbed him but it scared him. I’ve not had a day like this in so long… I have no idea why… Maybe I’ve been thinking too much. I need to have at least 30 min of quiet and alone time tonight. Meditate… get to my happy place… why is my toddler being so noisy… he’s not had a nap (he gave them up) but he’s acting so tired and cranky. He’s being a typical toddler and getting into everything. Every. Thing. And of course telling him not to do something causes him to freak out. Why does he have to be so loud… it hurts my ears. He keeps waking his brother up. His brother is cranky and just wants to nurse. And chew. and claw. My chest is covered in bruises and little tiny scratches.

Maybe I’m just really stressed because we’re about $300-$500 (don’t know yet) in the hole. I have to figure out how to get that money so we can pay our bills. Forget even eating. I put in an application for food stamps, but I’m not sure if we’ll qualify. I think tomorrow I might buckle and try calling WIC again. We may or may not qualify now with 4 in the family. I’ve cut so much out, and yet somehow we keep running out of money. What else can I cancel… We’re trying to get rid of credit cards. Our pets, the ones that died… they brought our CareCredit up to about $2000. It’s more than I would like to spend per month paying it off. We spend a lot on credit card payments, and the house/utilities of course. All our bills take up my husband’s paycheck so we have to find other ways to get food (or pay bills, because feeding the family comes first). But right now we’re just so down and we’re out of diapers, toothpaste, deodorant, and wipes. We’re almost out of milk and other food stuffs and we’ve only spent $170 on groceries and it was mostly on dog food, diapers, paper towels and toilet paper. I really hope we can get some help. I know that my husband’s parents would bend over backwards to help, but they’re already having money problems themselves because of my husband’s sister and grandma. My parents are pretty broke and it’s mostly because of my stupid student loans. They pay over $500/month on those things and we’re paying about $440/month.

We could always get rid of our pets to save money… ha ha ha. Like we’d ever do that. I already took care of our internet/phone/tv thing so that we’re basically just paying for the internet, something that with my husband’s job is needed. We’re trying to switch to this solar company to save money on electricity. I bake a lot, make things from scratch, make big meals for leftovers, don’t eat out much, buy in bulk, have a garden, do portion control, etc… I just don’t know what more we can do. I’ve already had to call and defer one of my student loans for a while. We ate ramen and hot dogs for lunch. At least I’m good at figuring out food. Ham bone soup tonight. I think it needs cornbread… mmm… We’ll get by, we always do. God may not like us to have money, but he doesn’t seem to let us get too far down… When I say I don’t think he wants us to have money, I mean that every time we get a substantial amount of money, something inevitably pops up. Like a flat tire or something. Oh well. Who needs to have money anyway, right? I just need a lot of chocolate…

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