Socializing fail

My husband has a knack for getting what he wants. Today, some colleagues invited him to dinner and invited me as well. I’ve been home cleaning all day with two cranky babies, so when he texted me asking if I wanted to go, I said no. There was no way I was going to deal with my kids at a restaurant in that state of mind. So then he texts me back saying his mom would babysit. So how could I say no, right? Just a bunch of adults at a nice (supposedly) quiet restaurant. After his mom got to the house and we put the toddler to bed, we left to get to the restaurant. I had never met these colleagues before, but from what my husband was telling me, they shared many of the same interests, so I was curious to meet them. There were only 6 of us at the place, but one was a young girl, maybe 5? And she was sitting at the end of the table. Incidentally, that’s where I was placed as well… I’m very awkward around talkative kids. I felt like I had been placed at the children’s table, away from the adults. The restaurant was loud and noisy (although to most people it was probably acceptable and low key) and I couldn’t really hear what everyone was saying, I had to lean in and strain to hear them. It was especially difficult with the little girl constantly trying to show me things on her mom’s phone. 

Every time I tried to join in the conversation, it was like I just couldn’t get a word in edgewise. I kept trying to talk, but they either talked over me or just couldn’t hear me. I don’t know. So the most meaningful conversation I had was basically “Oh our plates match! Look, you have blue and I have blue!” -_-; I hope I at least made her night more enjoyable… The mom took her daughter home early and we ended up staying, as my husband had discovered one of the colleagues really enjoys Firefly. We love Firefly here too, and so they went on and on about it, which led into the talk of Star Trek and the new movie, and I managed to mention a couple things, but as soon as I started actually talking about the original Star Trek and how the franchise was essentially executed before being revived by the latest movie, everyone got up and no one was paying any attention to me. Since everyone left, I just petered off and no one said anything about it. It was horrible.

I’m just really upset by the whole experience. I hate being talked over, I hate being ignored, I’ve been experiencing this crap for as long as I can remember. I’m just a quiet person, I’m shy and uncertain, especially with new people. It didn’t help that while I’m not good at naturally reading people’s body language, I have studied psychology and what certain poses mean and this one guy had his arms crossed almost the entire time and it made me very uneasy. I couldn’t tell if he was mad, upset, bored… Most people follow a certain set of psychological rules for body language, but I’m not sure if he was, or if he just has different body language. Either way, it bothered me. So on the way home, I tried to distract myself from crying and this guy stopped in the middle of the road so my husband slammed the brakes on and the guy behind us almost hit us. Scared the crap out of me. My heart felt like it tried to jump through my chest and I tensed up so much it hurt my neck. Of course all I could think at the time was how much it would hurt my neck if we got hit because of how tense I got! Lol.

So instead of sleeping, I’m a big bundle of nerves and anxiety and frustration. I am highly upset, and am thinking I should just let myself cry about it, as petty as it all seems. Oh boy, you spent an hour getting ignored again! Nothing new there! But it is still upsetting, and I don’t know why I even said yes. I should have continued to say no. “No, I’m sorry, tomorrow I have to get up early and drive for a while, and I want to rest today after all that house work.” But it’s like I just can’t say no… I hate people right now and I wish I could just not deal with them ever. My husband is currently holed up in his computer room, playing video games… I don’t know what I want from him but I feel like I just really need him right now. 


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