I don’t know if my anger is justified, or if I’m just… having anger issues. I am upset. I am angry, angry at my situation, at the situations of many other American families. We have no money for food anymore. Our credit cards are maxed, we drained our savings, and our food supply is running out fast. My husband told me today it feels like he’s on a diet. We don’t even know how much his paycheck is going to be for. We’ve been trying to find his April pay stub because the EBT people need that before they can process our request and see if we’re actually eligible for food stamps or not. And this is where I get mad.
My husband makes a certain amount every month, gross. And then we net maybe half, maybe a little more than half, of that. Medical and taxes, all the normal stuff, gets taken out, and then he has an extra percentage taken out so we can survive during the summer, since he doesn’t work. The summer months are less than the other months, so we have less money… I even had to cancel a doctor’s appointment for tomorrow because we can’t afford it. Not to mention our stupid student loans. I don’t know why I even went to college. I graduated just in time for the job market to crash, and having no ability to get a job due to no experience, I continued working in the library and doing what I could. Then I had kids. Now I’m so far removed from my field that no one would hire me because I’m outdated. It doesn’t matter that I still know my stuff. So I’m stuck with worthless student loans that no one pays attention to.
Why did I go to college? Why did I let people talk me into it if I was just going to have kids and stay home? That’s almost $800 per month we could be using for other things, like food. Walking through the store today to buy a gallon of milk, I almost broke down. I don’t think my husband realizes how stressed I really am. He may have gotten a better idea today, but I’m trying really hard to hide it. I do it subconsciously, whether it’s good for me or not. I need to do something before I take it out on my kids. I may have already crossed the line, being so upset with my toddler for constantly waking the baby up… I hate that, I hate being so cross that I might explode. I hate not having money for food and bills and necessities. I hate people who say “It could be worse…” because I already know it could be worse, I think of that anyway. But it doesn’t make this situation better. I also am hating the people who complain about only having $80 to spend on themselves, whatever they want, for the month… I just want to buy my family milk and eggs and good food.
I probably sound really whiny. I don’t care. I need a place to vent, to rant, to get it all out. I don’t want charity from friends and family, I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I want the system to not be broken. I want to be able to fix the problem. Feeling sorry for me won’t make anything better. Giving me money/food would help, but it would only be temporary. Raising our medical double each month, plus apparently my husband has another pay cut coming to top it off, and denying us government help when we actually need it is what needs to be fixed. Not just for us. We’re not the only ones suffering under this. There are so many “middle class” families out there barely surviving on what should be a good salary. The government seems really good at keeping the middle class broke.
Screw that. I don’t want to be rich, I just want to be able to live without worrying about how to pay for something. I did write up what I’d do with money if I ever got any. We only need about $170,000 to pay off all of our debts, which is actually pretty cheap compared to many others. I’m exhausted and depressed now, ha ha. Catch you on the flip side.