I’m at a loss. My husband is drifting away, closing himself off. I’m fairly certain he’s pretty depressed. Well, with our finances the way they are, that’s probably a big thing there. He makes money, and then chunks get taken out until he’s left with nothing. We’re struggling. And our house is a mess, something that I know gets to him. I keep trying to keep up with it, but it’s very difficult with a toddler and a baby. Speaking of, my husband hates them. I don’t think a day goes by where he doesn’t wish they didn’t exist. Ok, maybe not hate, he does love them… but he certainly doesn’t like them. It shows sometimes, especially lately. The other day he was practically abusive to the toddler (some wouldn’t consider it abuse, others would… I think it was over the line either way). His anger, frustration, and depression are bringing us all down and I don’t know what to do. He’s not seeking help except in his computer, and that just makes it worse.
For our anniversary, we couldn’t get a baby sitter, so we stayed home and ended up fighting. I’m just so stressed and I need someone to be there for me and he’s not. I’m actually starting to understand why and how a woman could end up in an affair. I consider it completely wrong and immoral to do anything of the sort while still married, but I can see how someone who feels different could be pushed to it. I didn’t used to be able to see this. I desperately need someone to lean on, but it feels like if I ever mention being frustrated, tired, stressed, etc or that he’s closing himself off to me, he blows up.
That’s why we fought on our anniversary. I was upset because he didn’t get me anything. No handmade card, no candy bar… He keeps saying he wants to get me things, but never does. He says he never knows if we have enough money. Yet he’s able to spend money on himself… Granted that has slowed down a lot lately, it does still happen. I’m not even asking him to spend money on me, though. What about breakfast? Make me pancakes in the shape of a heart or something. A handmade card…. I just want to feel thought of… I know he loves me. He does tell me, and sometimes he’ll come up and hug and kiss me and tell me thank you for something… Why can’t that be enough? Why do I want him to do something special for me? Why do I always have to do it for myself? Like for Mother’s day when he told me to go buy something. I just want him to do something for me!
I’m feeling lost and confused and so so busy while he plays on his computer for hours, or games with his friends. I keep trying to do everything I can around this house. Today I tried to finish and get the invitations for my toddler’s birthday party in the mail (missed it), fed the kids breakfast, lunch, snacks, and dinner, bathed the kids, washed the dishes for dinner, cooked a nice venison dinner of which I had a bite of potato and two bites of venison (the venison was payment for tutoring), organized and cataloged old baby clothing to try to sell, tried to get a package together to mail (didn’t happen either), forgot to call some people, managed to send an email to my grandma (I keep forgetting…), watered the garden, trimmed a large bush, and all while trying to keep an eye on the kids. I did shower after the kids fell asleep, and just finished a bowl of cereal, which might bring me up to about 1400 calories eaten today.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be tempted to off myself or something at this point. I honestly don’t know how much longer I can hold out like this.
And on a side note, I feel like my husband cares more for his stuff than his family or friends… I think if I sliced my hand open, he would be more concerned about the blood on the floor. I know he’s exasperated with me and my problems. My inability to be perfect. I’m overweight which means he’s no longer very attracted to me, always in pain, I’m depressed, I can’t keep the house clean, he thinks I coddle the kids… I’m a big screw up to him. And I gave him the curse of children. I already hate myself enough without him helping.
So what good would leaving do… neither one of us is the type to quit on something just because of a problem. I just really don’t know what to do. So often these days I just want to leave. Not forever, but for a day or two, maybe a week. He’s already stormed off once recently. Just said he was leaving and hadn’t decided on whether he’d come back or not.
I’m supposed to be going to bed… I have to go sing tomorrow… but I’m afraid of leaving him alone with the kids… I don’t know what will happen, I just know something will. My toddler will break a dish and send my husband over the edge or something. I’m so tempted to cancel everything tomorrow…