I feel like it’s been forever since I’ve last written. I hit an extremely low point in my depression a while back and they’ve tried me on medications, but have come to the conclusion I have treatment resistant depression. Great. I keep trying to find something to help, but it’s hard, especially with not getting proper sleep. My dreams feel like they’re keeping me from getting rest, and I’ve tried trazodone and zzzquil and other sleep aids, but they only do so much and don’t help with the kids. Having a crying toddler wander into the room at midnight while drugged up is not the most ideal situation.
And so, I’ve been relying on a support group of sorts on facebook and it’s been an amazing group. The things that it has done for so many people, I wish I could say it all here. But as with all groups, there will be infighting and drama, and I really need them right now but there is some serious crap going on that makes it hard for me to post. I feel like I shouldn’t post lest I seem like an attention seeker, or that my problems aren’t as bad as others and I don’t want to detract from them. Because really, these are my mental issues, and what good does it do to burden other people with them? I can just as easily post on here where no one who knows me will see it. I don’t know why that matters to me. Do I not want to appear weak? I need to be strong. If I’m not strong, then I’m not a suitable wife or parent. At my sickest, my mother in law insulted me to my face. Who does that? And so I need to suck it up and be strong, show them who doubt me what pieces of crap they are for being so judgmental, kicking someone while they’re down. You try having e. coli type issues and keeping the house clean with two toddlers and a sick husband! We still don’t know what we had, but it was food borne from shrimp. And it was nasty. My husband had to take an entire week off work, but he was sick for at least two weeks.
Because of my husband taking a week off, it hit his paycheck since he ran out of sick leave and so we’ll be hit hard next month. We’re not sure how much, but I’m hoping we can at least pay the bills. We can get food from other people. We aren’t going to be in too much trouble. But it’s still a lot of stress, especially since we were finally starting to get ahead for once! And with my husband’s birthday, he was too depressed to have a good day and things kept going wrong. I need to be strong for him, as well. He’s under enough stress with work, he doesn’t need to come home to a wife who can’t even cook him dinner. I’m sitting here writing this, drawing a blank for dinner, and it needs to get done in 45 min. And it needs to be at least somewhat healthy!
I don’t think I’ll ever understand people. People can be amazing and do amazing things for others, and then turn around and be total douchebags about something stupid and insignificant, causing a huge problem… And it gets harped on over and over again, drudging up old feelings that we thought had been resolved and causing the wounds to be opened again. I care for these women a lot, even the ones I don’t really like (does that make sense?), but I really don’t understand them. I don’t understand a lot of human things. Sometimes I don’t even feel human because it doesn’t make sense to me. I often wonder if something is only going to make matters worse, is it worth it to say it? Or if something is bothering you that someone said, why wouldn’t you talk to them about it? Why would you go behind their back and talk crap about them? Doesn’t that just make it worse? Why can’t people be direct, while not being insulting? What happened to tact? Ok, I know I don’t have much tact, but I do understand what it is. I don’t do conflict myself, I can’t handle it, I lock up, I freak out… I’ve cried a lot over this group and all the feelings going around in it. It doesn’t help I’ve been really sick and have been on and off crazy medications. My body doesn’t know what the crap is going on anymore, and I’m wondering if I should just withdraw from everywhere, just to get my bearings again. I don’t know how much more of this seemingly pointless drama I can handle. I just know that I need that group and it’s a good group that has done so much… I love being a part of something good like that, helping people in need out. I don’t care if they know I helped, I just love seeing their reactions. I love being able to send an anonymous care package to someone and just brightening their day. I hate seeing people hurting or in some sort of trouble. I wish I was rich so I could do more… And I wish I could make all the problems in the group go away… but that’s part of living. These things happen and I’m just hoping it doesn’t drive the group apart.