Because my anxiety is so high right now, my depression is getting worse, I can’t say how reality is to how I’m currently perceiving it, especially since I feel like I’ve completely screwed up on so many levels.
That’s what this blog is for, getting my thoughts out so I can sort through them and figure out if things are as bad as they seem. Such as, our electric bill. We went with a solar company for our electric on top of the typical company, but at the end of July, we received a call saying that our solar had been unplugged (from their system or something) and they needed to reconnect it. No big deal. August, our bill was lower than I expected, but I figured it was because they’d been disconnected for an indeterminable amount of time. Our bill for the regular electric was normal too. But now, in September, our bill is lower than expected for the solar and $300 for regular. I don’t know why, I don’t understand how we could have used that much electricity in the time the solar was off, I don’t understand it, but I know we cannot afford it. We started this month at about -$170. Negative money… Adding $300 on top of it?
And then to make matters worse, I ended up asking my grandma about going to go visit her for Thanksgiving, before I found out we were going to be out so much money, and I asked with the words of my mother in my head telling me that Grandma would be paying as she did for their trip. She ended up sending a check for $2000, but it’ll cost $3800 to go and with my parent’s miles, that’d bring our out of pocket expense to $1400. So I called her and got the name and number of her travel agent and I’m going to see if she can maybe book it with Grandma, and have Grandma pay over there and I just send the check back, but waiting is killing me and I feel like I’m in over my head because we can’t afford anything. What the crap, I mean I’m trying to figure out how to get food. Our credit cards are practically maxed, my husband is overworked and stressed… I had some money put aside for a project I asked this lady to do a while ago, and now I’m going to have to ask her to hold it until I can give her all the money, which will probably not be until February when we get taxes in. It’s enough that we can survive without handouts… but dang. My heart is still racing, it feels like there’s electricity running through my throat and tongue that burns, and I feel like I’m going to pass out. When we were about to start this month, I thought that we’d finally get a break. I should know better by now.
Even worse, though, is that due to the stupidity of a “friend”, we also owe the State Parks $1090 because my husband took a sword into a state park. The “friend” told them they were going to a different place, not a state park, and my husband believed him… Argh. And that “friend” had the audacity to say it wasn’t that big a deal, he’s had fines before. It’s my husband’s first time and it was an offence that could have landed him in jail with a record. He could have lost his job! All because he trusted this douchenozzle!

Ugh… We always manage to make it, but we’re getting further and further in debt (Yay for the American dream, eh?) and I don’t know how much longer my husband can handle this kind of stress. I almost snapped, myself, yesterday when the kids decided to both meltdown at the store and I had to leave without what I needed. The youngest melted down solely because the other one did. And then when we got to the register to pay for what I’d managed to snag, they stopped screaming, were all smiles and happy with the cashier, and then started screaming again when I refused to let them play with a can of tomato sauce. They screamed all the way home, too, and then some. I locked myself in my room to cry while my husband dealt with the meltdowns… Every time we try to get out of debt, something screws up. Sometimes it’s a stupid expensive purchase we should have done, but then there are the times where it’s life slapping us across the face, like what happened in April when we were out $800 due to medical bills. We still haven’t recovered from that…
I suppose it doesn’t help that the group I’ve been relying on for support hasn’t been very supportive or understanding in certain situations and I feel like an alien again. Like I’m saying one thing but they’re reading something else… even when they say they understand, they then say something that just shows they don’t. I don’t want to be a responsible adult anymore…


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