I hate the way my brain works sometimes.
That big support group I’m in? Found out someone thinks I’m racist because I refused to take sides (ie refused to bash the supposed racist). They were taking the woman’s words and twisting them to mean things she didn’t say, and the longer the thread got, the worse they twisted it. And then there were more threads made to bash the woman (who left the group for feeling bullied) saying that she said so many things she didn’t say and because I said they were wrong, now I’m racist too.
In a group that big, it’s really only a few that were being incredibly vocal and only one who said I was being racist (although there were more than a few who did not understand my comments despite saying they did. Seriously, it’s like they only glanced at my comments with the intent to respond, rather than reading what I really wrote. They twisted what I was saying too.). But now I’ve started questioning everyone in the group. I feel like everything I read is different, with different intentions, like I’ve been cut off from them. It’s hard to describe other than that – being cut off. And people that I care about thought that I was saying something hurtful and I wasn’t. Every time someone said, “I understand what you’re saying, but…” That but right there told me that they didn’t. And then their following sentences proved it.
I’m just flat out upset with so many of them right now. I HATE being misunderstood! I should be used to it. Every time I said they were misunderstanding me, they said they weren’t and then PROVED that they were. And they continued to not listen to me.
When this happens, my first instinct is to cut off contact. They are no longer my friends, they are just people I know. I want to leave the group. But I know there are ladies in the group who do care about me, and I do care about them, and for a lot of us, this is the only support we have. But because of some of them, the group has become tainted. I started noticing that there is a clique system, despite the group trying to be all inclusive. Some people get barely any comments on their posts whereas others get a lot. Sadly, I’m one of the ones who gets barely any. I try hard to comment on everyone’s posts. I try hard to treat everyone equally in there, even if I don’t like them. But no… Maybe my posts aren’t funny enough. Maybe my posts are too depressing. Maybe the wording is off and no one pays attention because it’s boring or something. Maybe they don’t actually like me. Logically, that’s not true. I don’t expect everyone to like me, but there are some in there who do. Unfortunately, since some of them have shown, perhaps unconsciously, that my feelings aren’t really valid, I don’t know what to think. Being talked down to, being told my experiences and feelings aren’t as valid as someone else’s, being called racist because I try to go the non-violent way… because I love the truth? At least, the truth as I see it. I don’t have all the answers. I just know when something is wrong, when people are ganging up on another and refusing to see it. They can refuse to see it all they want. I can’t stop seeing it. Injustice is something I cannot abide. And now, I don’t know what to do.
If I leave the group, they will question it. As a friend told me, they’ll feel as if things aren’t right in their perfect idea of the group. If something is wrong, they’ll want to fix it. I can’t tell them what I can write here. I can’t let them know how I feel because they won’t understand. They showed me that. They are blinded by their view of things. Nothing I say or do will change that. I fear that by telling them I’m just too busy to be in the group anymore, they’ll not take that as an answer and pressure me.
Another part of me is afraid they won’t notice.
I don’t know why I care so much. I mean, what would happen if they didn’t notice? What would that mean? It’s not like my posts get a lot of attention, maybe one to three commentors. It would make me feel like crap anyway though, because that would show that they didn’t care. And everyone wants to be cared about, even if they’re antisocial and weird.
Maybe I should just leave the group anyway. At least one person doesn’t want me there. Argh, this indecision makes my head swim and makes me want to punch something. It’s so frustrating! I hate social situations!
I’d say I hate people, but there are a few I like. A select few… It gets harder and harder to know who to trust though.