I found an article that actually explains myself, my behaviors. It’s eye-opening, and a bit depressing.
I’m obsessed with the game series of Dragon Age. Most especially one of the characters, Anders. Reading this article, it reminded me of some of the things I’ve written concerning escapism.
“Anders isn’t from here…” Claire said. “We need to figure out how to send him back.”
“Oh man, you’re for real aren’t you?” Baker said, smiling. “Oh man, oh man, you have to take me with you! You can’t leave me here! This world sucks!”
“I don’t even know if these books will work.” Claire said.
“Dude, take the books. If it works, take me as payment!” He was so excited, so desperate. Claire saw a bit of herself in him, the desire to escape…
“I know how you feel…” Claire said softly. “But I know nothing of Anders’ world.” She looked at Anders. He had a sad expression, but a bit frustrated.
“My world is not some perfect, amazing place.” He said. “You may think you’re escaping your troubles here, but you have no idea what you’d be getting yourself into. Before I left, there were rumors of a Blight. The Grey Wardens were gathering with the King’s army. You’d probably not last very long.”
“I’d rather die fighting some evil force than stay here and push papers all day long.” Baker said. “I have no glorious visions of battles, I know how bad they can be. I’m already depressed. Suicide here, or fighting for a righteous cause there. Take your pick.”
In another story, I wrote:
“Do you want to go back?” Claire asked, finding that she didn’t want to, even though there was so much pain and death around her.
Elodie shook her head. “No, I don’t. I feel like I found a purpose, like I figured out what to do with my life for once. No more trying to fit in to a society that doesn’t care. Here, I can help people!”
“I feel the same.” Claire said. “Back home… I pushed everyone away. I had no friends except Janie, and she was always a flake anyway. It felt like every time I tried to do something, I would get shot down…”
And reading all my past posts… it makes sense. I suppose my addiction is escapism. Currently with Dragon Age, though I’ve done it with Stargate, Tamora Pierce’s books, the Heralds of Valdemar series, and NCIS and Star Trek as well. What am I supposed to do when society keeps shutting me down? I am isolated, and I’m tired of trying to “bond” with people. I’m just plain tired. In Dragon Age, it’s artificial, I know that, but it still does something for me, to hear the characters speaking to “me” and after reading this article, it makes my reaction to those responses more understandable. Such as how if I piss off one of the characters, it seriously bothers me.
I recently tried to play a Dragon Age 2 run-through where my M!Hawke was going to stay on Anders’ bad side, because I had yet to do that, and I couldn’t. I kept getting depressed, and the things my Hawke would say to Anders, and Anders’ reaction, I ended up crying more than once because it really hurt to hurt the character like that. I am a very empathic person, I get sucked into stories, and when I have direct control over it, direct control over hurting someone in the game… it hurts me.
There have been times I’ve almost broken down crying in Dragon Age 2 and Inquisition because people I don’t want to kill, people I side with even, have forced my hand and I’ve had to slaughter them and I’ll be sitting there crying, saying, “Noooo, why can’t we work this out? I don’t mean you harm!! Honest!” But the game doesn’t give me that option. These are desperate people, too desperate and too paranoid to give anyone a chance. It’s my death or theirs… Thank the Maker it’s just a game! 😦
And so after reading the article and reexamining my feelings on my own addiction to escapism, I have to wonder… Is it affecting my daily life? Is it something I need to fix? How can I fix it? My husband and I are stressed out of our minds, being worked hard, and there’s no way to end that. It should ease up at the end of May, and perhaps get better from then on, but I don’t know. If we can’t fix our situation, and that’s the only way to fix “addiction” then I suppose I’ll just have to watch myself more closely. Would I go through withdrawals if I stopped my writing? I feel like my writing has really helped me, so I have no idea to know if it’s affected my life in a negative way… I know our society has negatively affected my life… my entire life it has shaped me, formed me into this ball of depression and isolation… How can we break that?