Reaching the breaking point

I don’t know how much more I can take before I crack. Because my husband is in the Masters program, he has to write a thesis, and it’s a big deal, but we have two hyper little boys who are very loud… So his teacher said he needed to find a way to get rid of them so he can have quiet time. I have to leave for the entire day with them so he can get work done.

I’m so exhausted already… Going out makes it worse, especially with the boys. Because the eldest gets over stimulated so easily, being out creates more meltdowns. They’re already cranky from the past week where I had to go get a bunch of things done, a lot of it for my husband’s work.

I need to be strong. I can’t let him know how close I am to breaking, because he doesn’t need that kind of stress added to the pile he already has, but this whole thing had me sobbing in the shower and then I ended up silently crying myself to sleep. I have never cried myself to sleep before.

I’m going to my parents’ today, they can at least help, it’s just exhausting just leaving the house. Maybe they’ll let me take a nap… I wonder how far I can push myself until I break. I’m going to have to find a way to get the kids out of the house every afternoon when my husband comes home too… I don’t know what I’m going to do for dinners. I don’t know why it’s so hard to ask for help… probably because the only people that can help have problems of their own.

The lady down the street who can help has three kids of her own that are quite a handful, plus her mother lives with them and she has health issues and they always seem so stressed I don’t want to add to it. My mother in law still works, technically two jobs, and my father in law is hardly ever home because of his job. My parents are the only ones who are retired, but they’re constantly doing things. They already help so much… like when I have to go to the doctor.

That’s another thing. My doctor said I might need to be put on hormonal birth control because of the problems I’ve been having, but he’s not sure so I have an appointment with GYN next week so they can pinpoint the problem. Whether it’s a hormonal imbalance, cysts, endometriosis, or what… And I feel myself about to cry again because I can’t rely on my husband anymore. I can’t put more pressure on him, more stress. I feel like someone took a sledgehammer to my foundation and it’s shaking me to my core. I will have to talk to him, but I don’t want to.

I have no idea how much of this is unfair to me, how much I’m supposed to take, or what. I already do everything around the house. I do the automotive care, I changed the lights in the chandelier and the outside porch lights, I need to climb into the attack and change the smoke detector’s battery, I fixed the sink, I do the laundry, I make the meals, I feed the cats, I do the dishes, I do the bills, I run the errands, I make the phone calls…

He works and goes to school and most of the time feeds the dogs. Right now he’s playing video games. I’m waiting for the laundry to get done so I can get dressed and get the kids dressed so we can leave so he can do homework and have a quiet day… I am incredibly jealous. And this is going to go on until June.

I’m screwed, aren’t I.


3 thoughts on “Reaching the breaking point

  1. sbennett0322

    Why can’t he study in the library? Why can’t he study in an office somewhere? Why can’t he study in a room in the home where the boys are not allowed to go? My husband is in a PhD program, he studies in his office or at the library.. sometimes he studies at the coffee shop. He always wears earphones and plays music that helps him focus. From my perspective, it seems like the expectations of you are too high right now. You did mention he only studies and feeds the dogs, then he was playing video games. I think that is normal- students play video games or watch meaningless TV because they can do it without thinking too much… giving their brain a rest. However, I do believe the expectation of you to take the boys out (especially when you are Aspie!) is not fair.

    Just my opinion.

    1. Joan Post author

      We’re in a small area with a not so great library (cops are called to it often), but I was thinking about asking if he could stay late at work to do homework. I’m not sure if that would get him in trouble, or if people would try to get him to help them out or what… But our house is small. There is no room quiet enough to escape the boys. Even with my headphones in I can hear them.
      I wonder if he could study at the Starbucks. It’s usually pretty quiet and laid back.
      Everything has been happening all at once lately, so we haven’t really gotten much time to even discuss this and after spending all day away from home only to come home and clean up and cook dinner, it definitely needs to be. Preferably before I break. As much as I understand his need for being able to study, I *have* to take care of my needs or this house will fall apart…


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