Category Archives: anxiety

At a loss

I feel rather lost, really depressed, confused… and I don’t know how to feel. People are turning on lifelong friends over misinformation and lies and differing opinions, as if people’s opinions somehow changed over night and they’ve suddenly become horrible people to avoid.

One friend, I don’t know what to think. She hasn’t really spoken to me in months now, I don’t know if I did something wrong or if there’s something going on in her life, but I know things have changed to where I’m not in her circle so much anymore. I can usually tell when someone’s attitude toward me has changed, I just can never figure out why. And right now I’m not sure whether I should pursue it, if she’d even tell me, or if I should just accept that this is how I am.

I can never really keep friends. The most they last is 2-3 years before leaving me. I have one friend who has stayed true for 16+ years now, he’s not going anywhere, aside from dying… Another person I guess is sort of a friend? We’ve known each other for about 14 years, though we don’t always agree on politics and it’s gotten a little… tense, I guess, between us with all the stuff going on.

I rely on facts, evidence, statistics, reason and logic, stuff like that, to get an idea of how the world is. I have a hard time with emotional arguments, they don’t make sense to me if they’re not back up with facts. For some reason, this has cost me quite a few “friends” off Facebook, and now I feel like it may have cost me someone I actually really care about, because the last few times she’s commented on anything of mine, it’s been heated, and I don’t understand it at all. I don’t get it. I keep trying, but I feel like I’m missing something, because I can’t understand social stuff very well.

I’m good at pretending, and I think people forget that I’m pretty much just going by script and information from past experiences that may not apply to all these new ones. I don’t know if I’ve somehow inadvertently hurt my friend, or just pissed her off, or if she’s grown bored of me, or if her life is just throwing her for a constant loop for the past few months and she’s been aloof with everyone.

My paranoia and anxiety are convinced I’ve screwed it up though.

It’s just happened so many times, what’s one more to add to the list?

I feel like I should just give up on having friends entirely. I’m obviously not a good enough one myself.

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Self exploration through writing

On the way home from the store tonight, I was thinking about how most characters in books have certain virtues and talents that get them through life and hard times, such as being courageous or have a great voice (like in the book Fairest), or how many fairy tales the princess has to be beautiful and that’s what helps her, while the men are strong and brave, and don’t back down, they don’t give up. Steadfast.

So I was thinking about my characters. Since I started my writing exercises last year, I’ve focused mainly on one character, and though I do have others, they’re pretty similar. And, well, they’re similar to me, because I have a hard time writing outside of my personal experience. I can write characters that already exist, or base a character off a real person, but since my writing exercises are for me alone as a form of therapy, my characters take on traits I either see in myself or wish I had. When I write these characters down, and look at the story from afar, I can see things so much clearer than when they’re in my head, when I’m examining myself. I have to step outside of myself in order to see me better.

Claire is definitely not perfect. She has anxiety and depression, feelings of worthlessness and the strong overwhelming desire to be worth something. And in her desire to help in any way she can, she’s also afraid of messing things up, which in turn can mess things up. I noticed she has a strong maternal instinct, she has the desire to protect and to care for others, even if she doesn’t know them. She’s a nurse and a fighter, tending to the wounded after fighting a battle. She’s also practical to a fault, one some might call a “stick in the mud.” I don’t get to test out my prowess on a battlefield (and I’m sure I’d be bad at it), but I do know I’m good at taking care of people. It’s like some sort of auto-pilot comes on and I just go…

I do have a strong urge to protect people, and to help them, and to make their lives better in any way I can. I don’t know why, it’s just how I am, despite that I pretty much don’t trust anyone and am constantly on my guard. And as strange as it is, I’m loyal to a fault as well. Those people who have hurt me over the years, the people who have backstabbed me and betrayed me… I have continued to keep whatever secrets they may have told me, and I refuse to go on my public scenes to complain about them, and even here, I don’t mention names. I guess in a way, I don’t even hold it against them, really. I can still be civil with them, even if I can never trust them again. If someone else is fine with them, who am I to besmirch their name? What happened was between them and myself, no one else. I think there are maybe two or three people who I have told anything to over the years, and I’ve told them because I know they won’t say anything to anyone else and they won’t seek out any sort of payback for me. I do not need anyone attacking anyone else because I said something.

And as weird as it is, I would still help those who have hurt me. If I had the means and they needed my help, I would help them. That’s just how my family is. I can’t imagine being any different. And it shows in my characters a lot. They’re lonely, protective, desperate to be worth something, and willing to sacrifice themselves for the good of others. They are not heroes, they are in the background helping the heroes. They don’t want attention and if they can help anonymously, they will, because just the knowledge that someone might be happier, even just for a moment, because of something they did, it’s worth it. Even if it’s just smiling at someone who looks like they’re having a bad day or buying someone a coffee, or even just leaving a piece of artwork for someone to pick up.

I want to make the world a better place, I want to help people in any way that I can, and what better way than to go out into the world and touch people’s lives? It would be better if I wasn’t so… anti-social and socially awkward, and an outsider. Even if society deems me to be a freak and unfit to join their ranks, even if they bully me, and people like me, I will continue to do what I can to help others. I think that because there is so much pain even here in the states, that’s more reason for me to go do things to help out. I know the states has it easy compared to many, many other countries, but this is where I am, and where I can do the most good for now.

Misunderstanding

There’s a lady on talking to me right now and I have no idea what she’s meaning. It feels like she’s trying to tell me to stop talking about how being bullies isn’t helping anything… I know my posts tend to be long but they should be straightforward… I thought that my post would be taken as a “Don’t be a hypocrite and bullying is bad.” But people are commenting all sorts of other things on it that go deep into philosophy, and then this lady PM’d me and has just now blocked me because she apparently doesn’t agree with me? I don’t know… it doesn’t make sense to me.

I *know* not every person fighting for equality is the same as these extremist SJWs. I know not every feminist is a man hating person. I am complaining about the people who ARE. Why is that wrong??

Edited to say that despite saying she appreciates things about me and thinks I’m a good person, the lady who blocked me was afraid I was going to screenshot her and send the screenshots to my supposed MRA groups, groups for reverse racism (I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised those exist), and groups to make fun of liberals.

#1, I have never been, nor will I ever be, in groups like that ever again. I was in Sanctimommy Said What and I saw what kind of a shit hole that turned into with everyone turning on each other… And then when that other group turned on me, I just quit groups altogether except things that post pictures of cute fluffy things. I’m done with groups.

#2, I don’t side with anyone except those who strive for equality between everyone. If everyone is too busy bitching about how bad they have it, they can’t see the solutions. I don’t want to make fun of people, I just apparently have a poor way of trying to show flaws in all extremist thinking. I want to figure out why people think the way they do, and I am such a stickler for as much honesty as I can that maybe it makes me seem… I don’t know… I pick on all sides, but sometimes I guess it seems more one sided? I don’t know. I just hate that the people I thought were on my side are just as bad, if not worse, than the people they claim to hate.

If someone on my newsfeed posts something incorrect, I can’t really scroll by. If I see it enough, I’ll make a post about it. Maybe it’s more a reflection of what people post? o.O

Maybe I should just become a hermit and say screw the world, let it burn. Why should I even try to make a difference if no side will have me?

Those closest hurt you the most

Recently, I followed my brother onto this facebook page where this guy posted a comic depicting a man and a woman, and she give him her number, and as they walk away, the man is thinking, “I hope she didn’t give me a wrong number.” While the woman is thinking, “I hope he doesn’t rape and murder me.” Below that was written, “Today on “We’re Past All That” a critical examination of how men are really hurt when women don’t trust them and how it’s important that we really consider those feelings.”

My brother started commenting against the comments claiming that men are rapists and are not to be trusted, and then I joined in, because this is a completely unfair assessment that only damages any kind of equality we’re trying for. My brother stated that the comic was an unfair example, and that a better thing for the man to be thinking would be “I hope she doesn’t falsely accuse me of rape.” My brother has spent the past 6 years having to deal with the repercussions of that.

We were called rape apologists for saying that most men don’t rape, and that saying it’s fine to mistrust men is the same as saying it’s fine to mistrust black people. Neither one is ok. They claimed we were trying to dismiss women’s experiences by saying that not all men rape… even though it’s more like 5% of the population that does. 5% is not most, it is a mere fraction. Why should millions of men be accused in the minds of women of something they will never do?

It builds up a barrier, something we’ve been trying to tear down. It sets us back, and the people who claim that no man is to be trusted are just trying to raise up a new power in place of the old. No one group should ever be in charge, nothing will ever get better that way.

And of course my brother and I got banned, and then my mom sent me a screenshot showing me that my cousin apologized for our behavior… Great. How sweet. Apologizing for our behavior, knowing exactly what we’ve been through? Our position is as valid as theirs, but we were apparently invading a “safe space,” which happens to be a public page. PUBLIC. Safe places are private. Technically, there are no safe places… just look at what happened to me last year…

This is why I trust no one. I just didn’t expect it from family, especially the cousin I’m closest with.

Normal or creepy?

I just recently read a post on facebook about how this woman was taking her kids to ride a camel, and she saw this 70-something year old woman standing in the midst of all these children and became overly excited that this old woman was going to ride a camel. Ok, that’s not too bad.

But then she runs up to the woman and asks if she’s waiting to ride the camel and the older woman says yes, so then this woman says, “Okay. Of course you are. Well, I love you. Forever. Can I take a picture with you and tell people we’re best friends?” They talk for a bit, she finds out this old lady goes hang gliding and everything, and then she wrote, “…then it was her turn and I ran beside her and took one million pictures of her camel ride and missed my kids’ ride completely and somehow that was exactly the next right thing to do.” Because when she told the lady that she had a million wonderful picture to share, it lit her eyes up.

But… is this normal? To run up to strangers, suddenly completely obsessed with them, practically stalking them and taking their pictures without their knowing, while ignoring your own children? Or am I just finding it absolutely creepy because if it happened to me, I would freak out so bad I’d have to find a dark corner to rock in? I have a hard enough time with people just saying “Hi” in the store, some days. (It’s weird, most of the time I seem to have a cloak of invisibility on, even when I don’t want to be ignored… and it seems to fail when I do want to be ignored, lol)

But in the 1000+ comments I read through on the post, only one chided the woman for ignoring her kids and another said you shouldn’t ride animals because they’re slaves and should be freed. Everyone else said they were crying, that it was such a touching story, that it uplifted them, that growing old didn’t seem so bad. I’d ask what’s wrong with me that I don’t understand them at all, but I already know. It just seems so strange that this behavior is normal…

Support

It keeps running through my head on how much around the house is my responsibility versus my husband’s. He works full time, sometimes leaving the house by 6 am and not getting home until 8 pm, depending on the day and activities. Recently, he wasn’t able to get home until after 10. He’s also going to school for his Master’s, taking one to two classes at a time online, though this next class he’ll be driving an hour and a half away immediately after work and not getting home until around 11. At least it’s only once a week.

So obviously he’s busy and needs what help he can. It’s frustrating for both of us. Even while starting this post, I got a text from him saying he needed me to bring him something that he’d forgotten. I don’t mind helping, and I usually don’t tell him any of the stress that comes with it, like how I have to get my three yr old and two yr old to cooperate with the sudden “have to leave now to get daddy his stuff” because my husband usually only realizes he forgot something right before he needs it. My three yr old doesn’t do well with sudden schedule changes and sometimes he’ll have a meltdown. Thankfully today wasn’t too bad, I had just taken the chicken from the oven and was letting it cool when I got the text. Some days I have to pick up pizza and snack foods for meetings, or one night I had to go to four different stores to find specific prizes, but one of the stores was closed by the time I got there so I had to go in the morning. I swear his work needs to start paying me.

But around the house, I do pretty much everything. We kind of share feeding the dogs, but I do the dishes, laundry, general house upkeep, finances, everything with the kids, shopping, yard work, general repairs, mail, all the meals, and take commissions to bring in extra money. I’ve been sick since December, and can’t seem to get better, but I can’t slow down any more than I have. Stress has never been good for people who are sick, but being a mom and a wife in charge of keeping everything together, I really just can’t slow down. I wish I knew how to get rid of stress without locking myself in solitary confinement for a few weeks. I do not need to go to a mental institution because I pushed myself too far.

The sleep deprivation isn’t helping much either… Something always wakes me up in the night, more often than not it’s a crying toddler. I don’t get rest. My dreams certainly keep me busy. Last night There was this girl from a large family and she and I were going to go down into this old tomb but I found out her family was drugging her to make her want to go outside so they could trap us in the tomb and kill us… There was a bunch of running around holding chickens that we called turkeys and I remarked how similar to griffins they were… It was exhausting. The other day I let the kids run around the back yard and just laid down on the ground, unable to do anything else.

Far too tired… I need to go finish laundry, dishes, and do dinner by 5:30 and then I have an appointment at 7 I need to leave by 6:15 to get to… I have an hour and a half. My husband needs a new job, soon…

A Dream

So earlier this month, I was taken to the emergency department for what they thought at first was heart related. It turned out to be dehydration, and was causing my kidneys to be very upset. I’ve taken benadryl before, in pill form, so when they said they were going to give it through the IV, I was like, ok, sure.

I swear, I thought I was dying. It terrified the crap out of me, but I couldn’t do anything about it. My mind was being clawed at, but I couldn’t move, I couldn’t do anything, I was paralyzed, and I couldn’t stop thinking that I was dying, that the nurse had given me something else. It was a horrible feeling I NEVER want to experience ever again. I already have problems with medical procedures… they have to drug me just to examine my teeth at the dentist. I had a panic attack at the doctor’s over a pneumonia shot.  So I suppose it isn’t any wonder I had a dream like this:

There was darkness, and then I slowly felt like I was being carried as my senses started returning. I could hear two people arguing amidst all the other strange sounds I couldn’t figure out. A dull roaring, the scent of smoke and herbs in the air. I opened my eyes, but everything was blurry. I could see the outline of a man nearby and could tell he was yelling at someone. I blinked, trying to get my eyes to focus.
“Then leave!” He said. “I don’t know why you keep coming around in the first place!” I frowned, recognizing the voice, but all I could think was the name Anders. Why couldn’t I remember anything else? Everything seemed so foggy… As my vision cleared, I knew I recognized him, but I didn’t know from where, or why. The mage was irritated, focused on something else. I looked down at my hands, wondering why I felt so different. They were my hands, weren’t they? They were shackled, distorted from what I thought they should look like, but they were mine… Why was I shackled? Then I realized the mage was talking to the man holding me. I hadn’t even looked at him yet.
“What is the meaning of this?” Anders asked. “Why is she shackled?”
“You’re a healer, aren’t you?” The man holding her had a rough voice, an unpleasant tone. “Didn’t realize you were the type to ask questions. Just heal the girl.”
“If you’re a slaver, I will not heal her for you, nor will you leave here with her.” The mage’s expression was harsh and it made me shudder. I was still trying to figure out what was going on. I couldn’t remember anything of the events that led up to this point, I couldn’t even remember before that. There were things I *knew,* but I didn’t know how I knew them. Was I drugged? Suddenly, I was thrown to the ground, a sharp pain shooting through my belly, distracting from the pain of hitting the ground. I lay on my back, dazed, and looked over to my left where I could hear the sounds of fighting. Flashes of light from a staff, a man – elf? – with glowing tattoos and a large sword attacking men in plain brown armor. I felt nauseous and started shaking, and then I felt a tugging at the back of my mind, and it made me panic. I was dying, I knew it, I was dying.
“Help…” My voice was weak, but I was desperate. Soon the mage was kneeling beside me, looking worried. I was shaking so hard and my vision started going black. I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open, but I felt if I let my eyes shut, I wouldn’t live. It burned, my entire body burned, but it was so cold…
“Stay with me.” I heard him say, realizing I had shut my eyes. I tried to keep my eyes open, but I felt them roll into the back of my head, so instead I clenched them shut, struggling against the shaking. So cold. Everything was so cold. The sounds around me began to dim and the panic was clawing at my mind, but at the same time, I was having a hard time caring. I could hear voices, panicked, around me, but they were growing quiet, until there was nothing but silence and the darkness. The shaking had finally stopped.