Category Archives: realization

Long time no write

A lot has changed over the years. I like to think I’ve grown as a person, but I know I still have quite a few faults I need to work on. I think I’ve gotten calmer, more patient, not rising to baiting…

But I think I’m more accepting of myself than ever before. I’ve come to terms with who I am, and while I’m not sure I can really trust others anymore, at the same time, I think it frees me up to help people more. I don’t worry about how they view me, I can focus on taking care of myself and my family. If people don’t like me, they can either talk to me about why, or they can shove off. I don’t have time for people throwing random insults.

Both of my boys are now diagnosed autistic, with my eldest also ADHD. None of that was a surprise. Since they’ve gotten older and communication is better, life has gotten a little easier, although new difficulties pop up, especially with schooling, but we do what we can to cope. It’s hard to tell if they like school, but I’m prepared to homeschool them just in case. My eldest has experienced bullying, and I’m proud of him, because he made the bully into a friend. It was a strange outcome no one expected, but I love it.

I’ve mostly been focusing on my family, my hobbies, especially my writing. I’ve written over 1.5 million words since 2014, and I think I’ve gotten a lot better since I started. That’s the whole point, lol. And I mean I’ve gotten better in many ways concerning my writing, not just better at writing, but better at using my writing as a tool to analyze myself, to see what’s really bothering me so I can work on that better.

One of these days I’ll post my work online. Maybe. That’s still something that’s difficult for me to do, both for how personal my writing is, and how I still lack confidence that people will like it. I suppose losing a lot of friends and support over the years has affected that as well. I may not care as much about what others think of me, but there will always be this small negative voice inside me, poking me, especially with things that are so personal to me, since I use my writing as therapy.

Even though it’s been years, I do still feel sadness, or sometimes anger, at things that happened with that group that was supposed to be a support group, or people I thought were good friends who just cut off all communication with no reasoning at all. I think that sort of thing will stay with me for a while. That stuff changed who I am, it changed how I see the world, and I really try to make that change a change for the better, but I cannot deny the feelings of bitterness, resentment, anger… not so much hatred, though. Confusion, but I don’t hate them. They were caught up in something, and I think it must have twisted how they see the world, that they deemed their actions as good. They honestly didn’t see themselves as doing anything wrong, but that power went to their heads and others followed them.

They tried to destroy my social life by spreading lies, but I never really had a social life anyway. I feel better without that pressure to make myself liked, to try to fit into a group… it made me realize that it’s impossible for me. They always want to change who I am to fit who they want me to be, and I would rather be me. My husband loves me as I am, my children and parents and brother and other family members accept me for who I am and don’t want to change me. They’re the ones who matter. I know my boys are going to be feeling this social pressure… they already do. Back in kindergarten, my eldest said he wanted to be a girl because the girls there said he can’t like tea parties, only girls can like tea parties. Well, guess what, tea parties are gender neutral 😛

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Self exploration through writing

On the way home from the store tonight, I was thinking about how most characters in books have certain virtues and talents that get them through life and hard times, such as being courageous or have a great voice (like in the book Fairest), or how many fairy tales the princess has to be beautiful and that’s what helps her, while the men are strong and brave, and don’t back down, they don’t give up. Steadfast.

So I was thinking about my characters. Since I started my writing exercises last year, I’ve focused mainly on one character, and though I do have others, they’re pretty similar. And, well, they’re similar to me, because I have a hard time writing outside of my personal experience. I can write characters that already exist, or base a character off a real person, but since my writing exercises are for me alone as a form of therapy, my characters take on traits I either see in myself or wish I had. When I write these characters down, and look at the story from afar, I can see things so much clearer than when they’re in my head, when I’m examining myself. I have to step outside of myself in order to see me better.

Claire is definitely not perfect. She has anxiety and depression, feelings of worthlessness and the strong overwhelming desire to be worth something. And in her desire to help in any way she can, she’s also afraid of messing things up, which in turn can mess things up. I noticed she has a strong maternal instinct, she has the desire to protect and to care for others, even if she doesn’t know them. She’s a nurse and a fighter, tending to the wounded after fighting a battle. She’s also practical to a fault, one some might call a “stick in the mud.” I don’t get to test out my prowess on a battlefield (and I’m sure I’d be bad at it), but I do know I’m good at taking care of people. It’s like some sort of auto-pilot comes on and I just go…

I do have a strong urge to protect people, and to help them, and to make their lives better in any way I can. I don’t know why, it’s just how I am, despite that I pretty much don’t trust anyone and am constantly on my guard. And as strange as it is, I’m loyal to a fault as well. Those people who have hurt me over the years, the people who have backstabbed me and betrayed me… I have continued to keep whatever secrets they may have told me, and I refuse to go on my public scenes to complain about them, and even here, I don’t mention names. I guess in a way, I don’t even hold it against them, really. I can still be civil with them, even if I can never trust them again. If someone else is fine with them, who am I to besmirch their name? What happened was between them and myself, no one else. I think there are maybe two or three people who I have told anything to over the years, and I’ve told them because I know they won’t say anything to anyone else and they won’t seek out any sort of payback for me. I do not need anyone attacking anyone else because I said something.

And as weird as it is, I would still help those who have hurt me. If I had the means and they needed my help, I would help them. That’s just how my family is. I can’t imagine being any different. And it shows in my characters a lot. They’re lonely, protective, desperate to be worth something, and willing to sacrifice themselves for the good of others. They are not heroes, they are in the background helping the heroes. They don’t want attention and if they can help anonymously, they will, because just the knowledge that someone might be happier, even just for a moment, because of something they did, it’s worth it. Even if it’s just smiling at someone who looks like they’re having a bad day or buying someone a coffee, or even just leaving a piece of artwork for someone to pick up.

I want to make the world a better place, I want to help people in any way that I can, and what better way than to go out into the world and touch people’s lives? It would be better if I wasn’t so… anti-social and socially awkward, and an outsider. Even if society deems me to be a freak and unfit to join their ranks, even if they bully me, and people like me, I will continue to do what I can to help others. I think that because there is so much pain even here in the states, that’s more reason for me to go do things to help out. I know the states has it easy compared to many, many other countries, but this is where I am, and where I can do the most good for now.