Category Archives: stress

Long time no write

A lot has changed over the years. I like to think I’ve grown as a person, but I know I still have quite a few faults I need to work on. I think I’ve gotten calmer, more patient, not rising to baiting…

But I think I’m more accepting of myself than ever before. I’ve come to terms with who I am, and while I’m not sure I can really trust others anymore, at the same time, I think it frees me up to help people more. I don’t worry about how they view me, I can focus on taking care of myself and my family. If people don’t like me, they can either talk to me about why, or they can shove off. I don’t have time for people throwing random insults.

Both of my boys are now diagnosed autistic, with my eldest also ADHD. None of that was a surprise. Since they’ve gotten older and communication is better, life has gotten a little easier, although new difficulties pop up, especially with schooling, but we do what we can to cope. It’s hard to tell if they like school, but I’m prepared to homeschool them just in case. My eldest has experienced bullying, and I’m proud of him, because he made the bully into a friend. It was a strange outcome no one expected, but I love it.

I’ve mostly been focusing on my family, my hobbies, especially my writing. I’ve written over 1.5 million words since 2014, and I think I’ve gotten a lot better since I started. That’s the whole point, lol. And I mean I’ve gotten better in many ways concerning my writing, not just better at writing, but better at using my writing as a tool to analyze myself, to see what’s really bothering me so I can work on that better.

One of these days I’ll post my work online. Maybe. That’s still something that’s difficult for me to do, both for how personal my writing is, and how I still lack confidence that people will like it. I suppose losing a lot of friends and support over the years has affected that as well. I may not care as much about what others think of me, but there will always be this small negative voice inside me, poking me, especially with things that are so personal to me, since I use my writing as therapy.

Even though it’s been years, I do still feel sadness, or sometimes anger, at things that happened with that group that was supposed to be a support group, or people I thought were good friends who just cut off all communication with no reasoning at all. I think that sort of thing will stay with me for a while. That stuff changed who I am, it changed how I see the world, and I really try to make that change a change for the better, but I cannot deny the feelings of bitterness, resentment, anger… not so much hatred, though. Confusion, but I don’t hate them. They were caught up in something, and I think it must have twisted how they see the world, that they deemed their actions as good. They honestly didn’t see themselves as doing anything wrong, but that power went to their heads and others followed them.

They tried to destroy my social life by spreading lies, but I never really had a social life anyway. I feel better without that pressure to make myself liked, to try to fit into a group… it made me realize that it’s impossible for me. They always want to change who I am to fit who they want me to be, and I would rather be me. My husband loves me as I am, my children and parents and brother and other family members accept me for who I am and don’t want to change me. They’re the ones who matter. I know my boys are going to be feeling this social pressure… they already do. Back in kindergarten, my eldest said he wanted to be a girl because the girls there said he can’t like tea parties, only girls can like tea parties. Well, guess what, tea parties are gender neutral 😛

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Misunderstanding

There’s a lady on talking to me right now and I have no idea what she’s meaning. It feels like she’s trying to tell me to stop talking about how being bullies isn’t helping anything… I know my posts tend to be long but they should be straightforward… I thought that my post would be taken as a “Don’t be a hypocrite and bullying is bad.” But people are commenting all sorts of other things on it that go deep into philosophy, and then this lady PM’d me and has just now blocked me because she apparently doesn’t agree with me? I don’t know… it doesn’t make sense to me.

I *know* not every person fighting for equality is the same as these extremist SJWs. I know not every feminist is a man hating person. I am complaining about the people who ARE. Why is that wrong??

Edited to say that despite saying she appreciates things about me and thinks I’m a good person, the lady who blocked me was afraid I was going to screenshot her and send the screenshots to my supposed MRA groups, groups for reverse racism (I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised those exist), and groups to make fun of liberals.

#1, I have never been, nor will I ever be, in groups like that ever again. I was in Sanctimommy Said What and I saw what kind of a shit hole that turned into with everyone turning on each other… And then when that other group turned on me, I just quit groups altogether except things that post pictures of cute fluffy things. I’m done with groups.

#2, I don’t side with anyone except those who strive for equality between everyone. If everyone is too busy bitching about how bad they have it, they can’t see the solutions. I don’t want to make fun of people, I just apparently have a poor way of trying to show flaws in all extremist thinking. I want to figure out why people think the way they do, and I am such a stickler for as much honesty as I can that maybe it makes me seem… I don’t know… I pick on all sides, but sometimes I guess it seems more one sided? I don’t know. I just hate that the people I thought were on my side are just as bad, if not worse, than the people they claim to hate.

If someone on my newsfeed posts something incorrect, I can’t really scroll by. If I see it enough, I’ll make a post about it. Maybe it’s more a reflection of what people post? o.O

Maybe I should just become a hermit and say screw the world, let it burn. Why should I even try to make a difference if no side will have me?

Reaching the breaking point

I don’t know how much more I can take before I crack. Because my husband is in the Masters program, he has to write a thesis, and it’s a big deal, but we have two hyper little boys who are very loud… So his teacher said he needed to find a way to get rid of them so he can have quiet time. I have to leave for the entire day with them so he can get work done.

I’m so exhausted already… Going out makes it worse, especially with the boys. Because the eldest gets over stimulated so easily, being out creates more meltdowns. They’re already cranky from the past week where I had to go get a bunch of things done, a lot of it for my husband’s work.

I need to be strong. I can’t let him know how close I am to breaking, because he doesn’t need that kind of stress added to the pile he already has, but this whole thing had me sobbing in the shower and then I ended up silently crying myself to sleep. I have never cried myself to sleep before.

I’m going to my parents’ today, they can at least help, it’s just exhausting just leaving the house. Maybe they’ll let me take a nap… I wonder how far I can push myself until I break. I’m going to have to find a way to get the kids out of the house every afternoon when my husband comes home too… I don’t know what I’m going to do for dinners. I don’t know why it’s so hard to ask for help… probably because the only people that can help have problems of their own.

The lady down the street who can help has three kids of her own that are quite a handful, plus her mother lives with them and she has health issues and they always seem so stressed I don’t want to add to it. My mother in law still works, technically two jobs, and my father in law is hardly ever home because of his job. My parents are the only ones who are retired, but they’re constantly doing things. They already help so much… like when I have to go to the doctor.

That’s another thing. My doctor said I might need to be put on hormonal birth control because of the problems I’ve been having, but he’s not sure so I have an appointment with GYN next week so they can pinpoint the problem. Whether it’s a hormonal imbalance, cysts, endometriosis, or what… And I feel myself about to cry again because I can’t rely on my husband anymore. I can’t put more pressure on him, more stress. I feel like someone took a sledgehammer to my foundation and it’s shaking me to my core. I will have to talk to him, but I don’t want to.

I have no idea how much of this is unfair to me, how much I’m supposed to take, or what. I already do everything around the house. I do the automotive care, I changed the lights in the chandelier and the outside porch lights, I need to climb into the attack and change the smoke detector’s battery, I fixed the sink, I do the laundry, I make the meals, I feed the cats, I do the dishes, I do the bills, I run the errands, I make the phone calls…

He works and goes to school and most of the time feeds the dogs. Right now he’s playing video games. I’m waiting for the laundry to get done so I can get dressed and get the kids dressed so we can leave so he can do homework and have a quiet day… I am incredibly jealous. And this is going to go on until June.

I’m screwed, aren’t I.