Tag Archives: anger

Misunderstanding

There’s a lady on talking to me right now and I have no idea what she’s meaning. It feels like she’s trying to tell me to stop talking about how being bullies isn’t helping anything… I know my posts tend to be long but they should be straightforward… I thought that my post would be taken as a “Don’t be a hypocrite and bullying is bad.” But people are commenting all sorts of other things on it that go deep into philosophy, and then this lady PM’d me and has just now blocked me because she apparently doesn’t agree with me? I don’t know… it doesn’t make sense to me.

I *know* not every person fighting for equality is the same as these extremist SJWs. I know not every feminist is a man hating person. I am complaining about the people who ARE. Why is that wrong??

Edited to say that despite saying she appreciates things about me and thinks I’m a good person, the lady who blocked me was afraid I was going to screenshot her and send the screenshots to my supposed MRA groups, groups for reverse racism (I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised those exist), and groups to make fun of liberals.

#1, I have never been, nor will I ever be, in groups like that ever again. I was in Sanctimommy Said What and I saw what kind of a shit hole that turned into with everyone turning on each other… And then when that other group turned on me, I just quit groups altogether except things that post pictures of cute fluffy things. I’m done with groups.

#2, I don’t side with anyone except those who strive for equality between everyone. If everyone is too busy bitching about how bad they have it, they can’t see the solutions. I don’t want to make fun of people, I just apparently have a poor way of trying to show flaws in all extremist thinking. I want to figure out why people think the way they do, and I am such a stickler for as much honesty as I can that maybe it makes me seem… I don’t know… I pick on all sides, but sometimes I guess it seems more one sided? I don’t know. I just hate that the people I thought were on my side are just as bad, if not worse, than the people they claim to hate.

If someone on my newsfeed posts something incorrect, I can’t really scroll by. If I see it enough, I’ll make a post about it. Maybe it’s more a reflection of what people post? o.O

Maybe I should just become a hermit and say screw the world, let it burn. Why should I even try to make a difference if no side will have me?

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Those closest hurt you the most

Recently, I followed my brother onto this facebook page where this guy posted a comic depicting a man and a woman, and she give him her number, and as they walk away, the man is thinking, “I hope she didn’t give me a wrong number.” While the woman is thinking, “I hope he doesn’t rape and murder me.” Below that was written, “Today on “We’re Past All That” a critical examination of how men are really hurt when women don’t trust them and how it’s important that we really consider those feelings.”

My brother started commenting against the comments claiming that men are rapists and are not to be trusted, and then I joined in, because this is a completely unfair assessment that only damages any kind of equality we’re trying for. My brother stated that the comic was an unfair example, and that a better thing for the man to be thinking would be “I hope she doesn’t falsely accuse me of rape.” My brother has spent the past 6 years having to deal with the repercussions of that.

We were called rape apologists for saying that most men don’t rape, and that saying it’s fine to mistrust men is the same as saying it’s fine to mistrust black people. Neither one is ok. They claimed we were trying to dismiss women’s experiences by saying that not all men rape… even though it’s more like 5% of the population that does. 5% is not most, it is a mere fraction. Why should millions of men be accused in the minds of women of something they will never do?

It builds up a barrier, something we’ve been trying to tear down. It sets us back, and the people who claim that no man is to be trusted are just trying to raise up a new power in place of the old. No one group should ever be in charge, nothing will ever get better that way.

And of course my brother and I got banned, and then my mom sent me a screenshot showing me that my cousin apologized for our behavior… Great. How sweet. Apologizing for our behavior, knowing exactly what we’ve been through? Our position is as valid as theirs, but we were apparently invading a “safe space,” which happens to be a public page. PUBLIC. Safe places are private. Technically, there are no safe places… just look at what happened to me last year…

This is why I trust no one. I just didn’t expect it from family, especially the cousin I’m closest with.

The teenage diaries

I did have a bit of teen angst in my old diaries, but the depression made everything worse. Some people on facebook were sharing things about shows where people can go to share their old diary entries and make fun of their teenage selves, and so I went to look at mine, but I can’t laugh at it.

I still feel the pain, so well. I remember the knives, the pills, the darkness… and the darkness’s sweet embrace that was always just out of reach… My entries either read as a Captain’s Log play by play on things we did, or it’s a whirlwind of confusing emotions and me trying to process it all, ending with how exhausted, emotionally, I was, and how I was just tired of the pain.

“Oh that the darkness had taken me! I would welcome that darkness with open arms, if only to be rid of the pain… silent agonies… ripping at my heart, tearing my soul apart… and there’s no one to tell…”

I wish I could laugh at my teenage self for well, being a teenager, but I remember it too well. And besides, I wouldn’t laugh at a teenager who came to me upset over something I thought trivial. That’s what being a teenager is about, experiencing new and very extreme emotions, and trying to figure them out. Sadly, some teens have to deal with things like anxiety and depression along with everything else. And I cannot laugh at that, and I feel bad because I should be able to laugh at myself. I can laugh at stupid things I’ve said, like “I’d rather die than commit suicide!” (I think I was 9?). But I can’t laugh at the pain I was in, and everything else I wrote was pretty boring, like a news article.

“I wonder what plane I will fly in next. I sort of know, but I don’t know what it looks like. As big as a 747? That’s what I flew in on the way here. I don’t feel like I’m in Korea… I don’t know what I feel. Except that I feel no fear. None. I get a little nervous here and there… but not like I thought. I feel very comfy with not being able to speak the language (the security guards wear berrets!) 🙂 I wonder how it will go when I meet up with Wang Xin. Because it will be her country and language. Such an old and complicated language too! I hope I can learn it well and fast. My brother seems to have a knack to pick up languages. He speaks Japanese quite well, though for some reason doesn’t like Chinese. Oh well.”

When I write, it’s to transfer information, or to try to organize my thoughts or just get my feelings out. Like when I have a conversation with someone, phrases mean things to me whereas they’re just filler for other people. I don’t say things I don’t mean, and I don’t ask questions unless I really want to know the answer. My journals are the same, cataloging my days, my emotions, and what happened when. I have stacks of notebooks full of stuff, and it’s interesting to watch me go from being excited about having people to hang out with, to being flat out confused as to why they suddenly stopped caring about me, why they were lying to me, using me, and back stabbing me. It made me so cynical and now I don’t trust anyone.

I will not become attached to anyone again. I will not be used unless I say so (there are some situations where I’m meh about it, and will allow it because it’s no big deal). And since I can’t tell who has selfish motives most of the time, I treat everyone the same. I expect nothing in return, so when I get nothing, I’m not disappointed. I expect people to ditch out on me, because it’s happened so many times. For once, I’m not upset that my husband didn’t get me anything for my birthday. I would prefer it if my birthday ceased to exist, I think. I have more important things to worry about than whether or not someone forgot the day I was born. Again.

I may be rather jaded and bitter and cynical right now, but I won’t let that get in the way of wanting to help people. I just wish I had more to laugh at in my journals…

Internet interactions

So this past week or so, I’ve been having some strange interactions online with some people who are rather antagonistic. One instance involves Person A adding Person B to a group without asking if Person B wanted to be added. Person B then left the group and Person A asked why. PB said he never asked to be added and didn’t want to be part of the group, and they got into an argument about it.

PA then posted on his wall, wondering why PB got mad, because it’s not like some notifications can hurt, right? I tried to explain that by adding without asking, he was taking control of the situation away from the other person, and people tend to react negatively to that. PA thinks that the only way they’ll know if they want to be part of a group is by adding them, rather than inviting. He doesn’t care that people don’t like that, he’s going to do it anyway because it doesn’t cause them any physical harm. There’s a lot more to it than that, and needless to say PA has a few of my friends, and my brother even, pretty mad. My brother asked me if I was going to let PA get away with what he said to me. I’m not that good with words to properly retaliate. Another of my friends wants to beat the guy up.

Another incident involved a forum where this person posted about depression being a disease, not just a mood, and people need to stop the hurtful comments about it. One person on there posted that you can cure your depression if you think positive thoughts, and if you can’t, then you just have a weak mind. He said I lack awareness and that I’m a defeatist for not believing thought can cure something I’ve been trying to think away for around 17 years. I’m just weak willed, you know?

Another person brought up pornography to take a shot at something the OP said elsewhere, and they asked for someone to define it, so I did, and they attacked me and said my art was “far from good *yawn.*” When I asked why they said my art was bad, they replied with, “Quote me where I said your art was bad, I never said that.” So I did and they insulted me further -_-

One person was saying “I guess it’s really a matter on what type of connotation you give to “weak” or “cowardly.” I don’t give those things a negative or shameful connotation when it comes to things like this.” Concerning depression and suicide. So what is this person thinking, that they can get away with telling people they’re cowardly or weak and that the people should accept it because their connotation isn’t the same as the majority of humans on the planet? Our entire history is full of fights with those words used as insults to goad the other person into doing something stupid. You can’t just magically change those words to be light and fluffy good things.

Other people are saying you can’t blame depression for suicide, because it didn’t physically kill them. I can understand this a lot more, but I pose the analogy of a mind altering drug. If someone was given a mind altering drug and went on a killing rampage, people would say the drug was to blame. The person would still be held accountable, I’m sure (depending on the circumstance), but the drug wouldn’t be shoved to the side, it would be listed as a reason for his behavior. A reason for him killing people. Depression isn’t much different. These people wouldn’t kill themselves if their minds weren’t in an altered state. Just because it’s all internal and no one is injecting a drug into the person, doesn’t change it.

I want to try to bring more awareness to mental health, but I didn’t expect so many mean people all at once. And I didn’t even post the thread. But hey, it’s not really that surprising. There’s a horrible stigma still that goes with being depressed. Well with any mental illness. Any illness. Any state of being. People will judge, and think they’re right, that their opinion is the only one that matters, on any aspect of your life, even if they know nothing about you but a blip of words. I find that many people will take a small bit of what you said and fill in the rest with their assumptions, never mind that it wasn’t what you said at all. They only read/hear what they want and nothing anyone says is going to change their minds about it. So bizarre.

I try to stay open minded, and try to see things from different perspectives, but I’m fallible myself, and I know I make mistakes. I may not like the feeling I get when called on it, but I would rather be correct than be an arrogant ass.

Reaching the breaking point

I don’t know how much more I can take before I crack. Because my husband is in the Masters program, he has to write a thesis, and it’s a big deal, but we have two hyper little boys who are very loud… So his teacher said he needed to find a way to get rid of them so he can have quiet time. I have to leave for the entire day with them so he can get work done.

I’m so exhausted already… Going out makes it worse, especially with the boys. Because the eldest gets over stimulated so easily, being out creates more meltdowns. They’re already cranky from the past week where I had to go get a bunch of things done, a lot of it for my husband’s work.

I need to be strong. I can’t let him know how close I am to breaking, because he doesn’t need that kind of stress added to the pile he already has, but this whole thing had me sobbing in the shower and then I ended up silently crying myself to sleep. I have never cried myself to sleep before.

I’m going to my parents’ today, they can at least help, it’s just exhausting just leaving the house. Maybe they’ll let me take a nap… I wonder how far I can push myself until I break. I’m going to have to find a way to get the kids out of the house every afternoon when my husband comes home too… I don’t know what I’m going to do for dinners. I don’t know why it’s so hard to ask for help… probably because the only people that can help have problems of their own.

The lady down the street who can help has three kids of her own that are quite a handful, plus her mother lives with them and she has health issues and they always seem so stressed I don’t want to add to it. My mother in law still works, technically two jobs, and my father in law is hardly ever home because of his job. My parents are the only ones who are retired, but they’re constantly doing things. They already help so much… like when I have to go to the doctor.

That’s another thing. My doctor said I might need to be put on hormonal birth control because of the problems I’ve been having, but he’s not sure so I have an appointment with GYN next week so they can pinpoint the problem. Whether it’s a hormonal imbalance, cysts, endometriosis, or what… And I feel myself about to cry again because I can’t rely on my husband anymore. I can’t put more pressure on him, more stress. I feel like someone took a sledgehammer to my foundation and it’s shaking me to my core. I will have to talk to him, but I don’t want to.

I have no idea how much of this is unfair to me, how much I’m supposed to take, or what. I already do everything around the house. I do the automotive care, I changed the lights in the chandelier and the outside porch lights, I need to climb into the attack and change the smoke detector’s battery, I fixed the sink, I do the laundry, I make the meals, I feed the cats, I do the dishes, I do the bills, I run the errands, I make the phone calls…

He works and goes to school and most of the time feeds the dogs. Right now he’s playing video games. I’m waiting for the laundry to get done so I can get dressed and get the kids dressed so we can leave so he can do homework and have a quiet day… I am incredibly jealous. And this is going to go on until June.

I’m screwed, aren’t I.

Assumptions

I’m more and more convinced I should assume people won’t actually read what I write but will respond with what they assume I wrote. I’m still trying to figure out why people don’t read. It’s not like it’s that difficult. Am I too wordy?

Is there some hidden message in saying “I need to avoid all plant matter and stick to only meat and dairy”? How is that possibly worded to mean “I can’t have meat”?

My husband says I need to pretend I’m always talking to toddlers.

You know, we came across this problem all the time at the library. No one would read the signs. We would have signs all over the place saying the printer was dead, at every computer, a few at the desk and covering the printer itself and people would stare at the sign and ask for their prints, then they would get mad at us when we said the printer was dead. They would tell us we needed signs, then get irate when we pointed out each sign.

Why don’t people read?? Why do they just react? Does that actually work most of the time with neurotypicals? I have seen a few times of people saying “that’s not what I said” or “not what I meant” so it’s obviously not an all the time thing, but is it a more often than not thing or are people just… I dunno… this happens with people I know aren’t idiots. I just cannot for the life of me figure it out.

Equality (again)

Perhaps it’s something with people on the spectrum, I’m not sure, I just know it’s a common desire, but I want equal treatment for everyone. I know I’ve talked about this before, but it just keeps coming up and bugging me.

I saw someone saying he thought it was fine for people to insult him because he’s white, straight, and male. But no. No. It is never all right to insult anyone, especially for being what they were born! It just feeds the problem, it continues to create a barrier, a divide amongst humans. I know it’s unrealistic of me to ever think humans can achieve equality, but I can dream. And I can argue about it.

Because seriously, why would anyone ever feel like they deserve to be insulted for being born? Hi, I’m a white female, but I will never feel any guilt for existing. I will feel guilt at not doing the right thing when I should. Actions speak louder than words. Why do we sit here behind our keyboards pretending we give a fuck about anyone else, when we could be doing so much more for people? I try, it’s hard, but I try. More than one occasion this week I’ve stayed up past midnight talking to people who were depressed or needed to just talk or needed some sort of guidance. I’m not perfect person, I’m just as fallible as the next, but I’m not going to let that stop me from trying to make someone else’s life better, even if it’s just for a moment.

I can’t judge people for existing. I won’t. And I hate that people think I’m a horrible person for not feeling guilty over my heritage.  I hate that I’ve been insulted and told I was overreacting when I said their words hurt.

I will not stoop to that level. Gandhi never did, Jesus never did, Martin Luther King Jr never did, so many other people didn’t and we consider them great role models. If they’re such great role models, why do people insist on crushing their ideals into the ground on some holy march for justice?

They don’t want equality. They just want justice and they don’t care who they hurt in the process.