Tag Archives: autistic

Self exploration through writing

On the way home from the store tonight, I was thinking about how most characters in books have certain virtues and talents that get them through life and hard times, such as being courageous or have a great voice (like in the book Fairest), or how many fairy tales the princess has to be beautiful and that’s what helps her, while the men are strong and brave, and don’t back down, they don’t give up. Steadfast.

So I was thinking about my characters. Since I started my writing exercises last year, I’ve focused mainly on one character, and though I do have others, they’re pretty similar. And, well, they’re similar to me, because I have a hard time writing outside of my personal experience. I can write characters that already exist, or base a character off a real person, but since my writing exercises are for me alone as a form of therapy, my characters take on traits I either see in myself or wish I had. When I write these characters down, and look at the story from afar, I can see things so much clearer than when they’re in my head, when I’m examining myself. I have to step outside of myself in order to see me better.

Claire is definitely not perfect. She has anxiety and depression, feelings of worthlessness and the strong overwhelming desire to be worth something. And in her desire to help in any way she can, she’s also afraid of messing things up, which in turn can mess things up. I noticed she has a strong maternal instinct, she has the desire to protect and to care for others, even if she doesn’t know them. She’s a nurse and a fighter, tending to the wounded after fighting a battle. She’s also practical to a fault, one some might call a “stick in the mud.” I don’t get to test out my prowess on a battlefield (and I’m sure I’d be bad at it), but I do know I’m good at taking care of people. It’s like some sort of auto-pilot comes on and I just go…

I do have a strong urge to protect people, and to help them, and to make their lives better in any way I can. I don’t know why, it’s just how I am, despite that I pretty much don’t trust anyone and am constantly on my guard. And as strange as it is, I’m loyal to a fault as well. Those people who have hurt me over the years, the people who have backstabbed me and betrayed me… I have continued to keep whatever secrets they may have told me, and I refuse to go on my public scenes to complain about them, and even here, I don’t mention names. I guess in a way, I don’t even hold it against them, really. I can still be civil with them, even if I can never trust them again. If someone else is fine with them, who am I to besmirch their name? What happened was between them and myself, no one else. I think there are maybe two or three people who I have told anything to over the years, and I’ve told them because I know they won’t say anything to anyone else and they won’t seek out any sort of payback for me. I do not need anyone attacking anyone else because I said something.

And as weird as it is, I would still help those who have hurt me. If I had the means and they needed my help, I would help them. That’s just how my family is. I can’t imagine being any different. And it shows in my characters a lot. They’re lonely, protective, desperate to be worth something, and willing to sacrifice themselves for the good of others. They are not heroes, they are in the background helping the heroes. They don’t want attention and if they can help anonymously, they will, because just the knowledge that someone might be happier, even just for a moment, because of something they did, it’s worth it. Even if it’s just smiling at someone who looks like they’re having a bad day or buying someone a coffee, or even just leaving a piece of artwork for someone to pick up.

I want to make the world a better place, I want to help people in any way that I can, and what better way than to go out into the world and touch people’s lives? It would be better if I wasn’t so… anti-social and socially awkward, and an outsider. Even if society deems me to be a freak and unfit to join their ranks, even if they bully me, and people like me, I will continue to do what I can to help others. I think that because there is so much pain even here in the states, that’s more reason for me to go do things to help out. I know the states has it easy compared to many, many other countries, but this is where I am, and where I can do the most good for now.

Advertisements

Misunderstanding

There’s a lady on talking to me right now and I have no idea what she’s meaning. It feels like she’s trying to tell me to stop talking about how being bullies isn’t helping anything… I know my posts tend to be long but they should be straightforward… I thought that my post would be taken as a “Don’t be a hypocrite and bullying is bad.” But people are commenting all sorts of other things on it that go deep into philosophy, and then this lady PM’d me and has just now blocked me because she apparently doesn’t agree with me? I don’t know… it doesn’t make sense to me.

I *know* not every person fighting for equality is the same as these extremist SJWs. I know not every feminist is a man hating person. I am complaining about the people who ARE. Why is that wrong??

Edited to say that despite saying she appreciates things about me and thinks I’m a good person, the lady who blocked me was afraid I was going to screenshot her and send the screenshots to my supposed MRA groups, groups for reverse racism (I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised those exist), and groups to make fun of liberals.

#1, I have never been, nor will I ever be, in groups like that ever again. I was in Sanctimommy Said What and I saw what kind of a shit hole that turned into with everyone turning on each other… And then when that other group turned on me, I just quit groups altogether except things that post pictures of cute fluffy things. I’m done with groups.

#2, I don’t side with anyone except those who strive for equality between everyone. If everyone is too busy bitching about how bad they have it, they can’t see the solutions. I don’t want to make fun of people, I just apparently have a poor way of trying to show flaws in all extremist thinking. I want to figure out why people think the way they do, and I am such a stickler for as much honesty as I can that maybe it makes me seem… I don’t know… I pick on all sides, but sometimes I guess it seems more one sided? I don’t know. I just hate that the people I thought were on my side are just as bad, if not worse, than the people they claim to hate.

If someone on my newsfeed posts something incorrect, I can’t really scroll by. If I see it enough, I’ll make a post about it. Maybe it’s more a reflection of what people post? o.O

Maybe I should just become a hermit and say screw the world, let it burn. Why should I even try to make a difference if no side will have me?

Those closest hurt you the most

Recently, I followed my brother onto this facebook page where this guy posted a comic depicting a man and a woman, and she give him her number, and as they walk away, the man is thinking, “I hope she didn’t give me a wrong number.” While the woman is thinking, “I hope he doesn’t rape and murder me.” Below that was written, “Today on “We’re Past All That” a critical examination of how men are really hurt when women don’t trust them and how it’s important that we really consider those feelings.”

My brother started commenting against the comments claiming that men are rapists and are not to be trusted, and then I joined in, because this is a completely unfair assessment that only damages any kind of equality we’re trying for. My brother stated that the comic was an unfair example, and that a better thing for the man to be thinking would be “I hope she doesn’t falsely accuse me of rape.” My brother has spent the past 6 years having to deal with the repercussions of that.

We were called rape apologists for saying that most men don’t rape, and that saying it’s fine to mistrust men is the same as saying it’s fine to mistrust black people. Neither one is ok. They claimed we were trying to dismiss women’s experiences by saying that not all men rape… even though it’s more like 5% of the population that does. 5% is not most, it is a mere fraction. Why should millions of men be accused in the minds of women of something they will never do?

It builds up a barrier, something we’ve been trying to tear down. It sets us back, and the people who claim that no man is to be trusted are just trying to raise up a new power in place of the old. No one group should ever be in charge, nothing will ever get better that way.

And of course my brother and I got banned, and then my mom sent me a screenshot showing me that my cousin apologized for our behavior… Great. How sweet. Apologizing for our behavior, knowing exactly what we’ve been through? Our position is as valid as theirs, but we were apparently invading a “safe space,” which happens to be a public page. PUBLIC. Safe places are private. Technically, there are no safe places… just look at what happened to me last year…

This is why I trust no one. I just didn’t expect it from family, especially the cousin I’m closest with.

Mother’s Day

First off, I want to wish everyone a Happy Mother’s Day. I know for a lot of mothers, it ends up not as planned, but I can hope.

I would have been fine if my husband had said he’d be too busy with homework to do Mother’s Day. But no, he had to go and say he wanted to do something special with me, then later mentioned how he needed to go get me something. Then today happened and I’m just trying to figure it out. I can’t find any excuse.

Instead of doing his homework, my husband played video games almost all day. When he wasn’t on the game, he was watching tv and playing on facebook, and even got a two hour nap in. I worked really hard today, weeding the yard, tending the kids, doing dishes, laundry, making food, getting HIS mother’s present ready, etc… I have to say by the end of the day my mood has soured a lot, and my mom starts asking if she needs to kidnap me for the day. 

So I asked my husband what we were doing for Mother’s Day. He said, “I need to do homework all day.” Then I said, “then mom’s going to come kidnap me.”

He replied, “so that means your going to leave the kids here, with me, so I can’t get any work done.”

Am I right to be hurt and angry? It feels like a big slap in the face, like he’s the only one who matters, his needs and wants, him him him. Why would he tell me he wanted to do something special and then dick around all day and decide homework is more important? I don’t know what to do or say. I don’t want to talk to him. I’m afraid I’ll say the wrong thing, but what is the wrong thing?

Normal or creepy?

I just recently read a post on facebook about how this woman was taking her kids to ride a camel, and she saw this 70-something year old woman standing in the midst of all these children and became overly excited that this old woman was going to ride a camel. Ok, that’s not too bad.

But then she runs up to the woman and asks if she’s waiting to ride the camel and the older woman says yes, so then this woman says, “Okay. Of course you are. Well, I love you. Forever. Can I take a picture with you and tell people we’re best friends?” They talk for a bit, she finds out this old lady goes hang gliding and everything, and then she wrote, “…then it was her turn and I ran beside her and took one million pictures of her camel ride and missed my kids’ ride completely and somehow that was exactly the next right thing to do.” Because when she told the lady that she had a million wonderful picture to share, it lit her eyes up.

But… is this normal? To run up to strangers, suddenly completely obsessed with them, practically stalking them and taking their pictures without their knowing, while ignoring your own children? Or am I just finding it absolutely creepy because if it happened to me, I would freak out so bad I’d have to find a dark corner to rock in? I have a hard enough time with people just saying “Hi” in the store, some days. (It’s weird, most of the time I seem to have a cloak of invisibility on, even when I don’t want to be ignored… and it seems to fail when I do want to be ignored, lol)

But in the 1000+ comments I read through on the post, only one chided the woman for ignoring her kids and another said you shouldn’t ride animals because they’re slaves and should be freed. Everyone else said they were crying, that it was such a touching story, that it uplifted them, that growing old didn’t seem so bad. I’d ask what’s wrong with me that I don’t understand them at all, but I already know. It just seems so strange that this behavior is normal…

My first hate mail

I was discussing autism with a group of moms because one lady’s friend just got her daughter diagnosed and was seeking information. Another mom posted a lot of links, some of which seek a “cure” for autism. A few of us commented on how autism is how the brain develops and the only cure is to change the brain. One woman, Amy, started in on us about how it happened to be so coincidental that pro-vaxers claim autism can’t be cured because you’re born with it. I posted a few links to research showing how they’ve discovered autism starts in the womb and then I got this private message.

ScreenHunter_44 Oct. 02 19.06_2

It’s my first hate mail, and I didn’t even really do anything. Amy blocked a few other people, too, so it’s not like I’m special, but it’s amazing the level of hatred she had for us just because we said autism is something you’re born with and can’t be “cured.” If you get cured of it, then it wasn’t autism in the first place. Or they somehow changed the makeup of your brain. From what I could tell, Amy wouldn’t even answer if she was an autism mom or anything. Since she blocked me, I could only see another person keep asking her if her child is autistic. I don’t know why she was so upset and obsessed with it. All I know is that I was born this way, as was my brother, as were my children, and everyone else in my family, and a multitude of other people out there.

I can’t stand it when people keep promoting misinformation, especially when some of it can be very damaging to people. Being made to feel like you aren’t worth anything just because of how you are, being told you are diseased or injured and having people try to change you… Bullied, mocked, picked on… It doesn’t even matter if you’re autistic or not…

Chocolate

I am depressed. No denying it today. I’m so tired and just bleh. It’s not like suicidal, but I’m at the point where I can’t stand my kids. Today they have decided must be bother mommy by pinching her day. I do not even want to be touched, and they’re causing me pain. My baby is in the “grab boob and shove in mouth and bite” stage and even with his nails clipped it still really hurts. And when I take him off for the biting, he screams. I think he’s teething. It’s days like this that are the worst for me, and anyone around me. So why am I feeling so irritable and depressed today? Did I have too much sugar yesterday? Did I eat something I’m allergic to? Is it the lack of sleep? Or is it just stress? All of the above?

Screaming babies does not help at all. I just want to be left alone… and they keep touching me! I am not very sane right now I think. It is taking a lot of self control to stop myself from lashing out at the kids. It’s not their fault, and they are incapable of understanding that I’m having a bad day. When my toddler grabbed my arm and pinched/twisted right where I have a very painful insect (or spider) bite, the jolt of pain caused me to have a violent reaction. I just grabbed him but it scared him. I’ve not had a day like this in so long… I have no idea why… Maybe I’ve been thinking too much. I need to have at least 30 min of quiet and alone time tonight. Meditate… get to my happy place… why is my toddler being so noisy… he’s not had a nap (he gave them up) but he’s acting so tired and cranky. He’s being a typical toddler and getting into everything. Every. Thing. And of course telling him not to do something causes him to freak out. Why does he have to be so loud… it hurts my ears. He keeps waking his brother up. His brother is cranky and just wants to nurse. And chew. and claw. My chest is covered in bruises and little tiny scratches.

Maybe I’m just really stressed because we’re about $300-$500 (don’t know yet) in the hole. I have to figure out how to get that money so we can pay our bills. Forget even eating. I put in an application for food stamps, but I’m not sure if we’ll qualify. I think tomorrow I might buckle and try calling WIC again. We may or may not qualify now with 4 in the family. I’ve cut so much out, and yet somehow we keep running out of money. What else can I cancel… We’re trying to get rid of credit cards. Our pets, the ones that died… they brought our CareCredit up to about $2000. It’s more than I would like to spend per month paying it off. We spend a lot on credit card payments, and the house/utilities of course. All our bills take up my husband’s paycheck so we have to find other ways to get food (or pay bills, because feeding the family comes first). But right now we’re just so down and we’re out of diapers, toothpaste, deodorant, and wipes. We’re almost out of milk and other food stuffs and we’ve only spent $170 on groceries and it was mostly on dog food, diapers, paper towels and toilet paper. I really hope we can get some help. I know that my husband’s parents would bend over backwards to help, but they’re already having money problems themselves because of my husband’s sister and grandma. My parents are pretty broke and it’s mostly because of my stupid student loans. They pay over $500/month on those things and we’re paying about $440/month.

We could always get rid of our pets to save money… ha ha ha. Like we’d ever do that. I already took care of our internet/phone/tv thing so that we’re basically just paying for the internet, something that with my husband’s job is needed. We’re trying to switch to this solar company to save money on electricity. I bake a lot, make things from scratch, make big meals for leftovers, don’t eat out much, buy in bulk, have a garden, do portion control, etc… I just don’t know what more we can do. I’ve already had to call and defer one of my student loans for a while. We ate ramen and hot dogs for lunch. At least I’m good at figuring out food. Ham bone soup tonight. I think it needs cornbread… mmm… We’ll get by, we always do. God may not like us to have money, but he doesn’t seem to let us get too far down… When I say I don’t think he wants us to have money, I mean that every time we get a substantial amount of money, something inevitably pops up. Like a flat tire or something. Oh well. Who needs to have money anyway, right? I just need a lot of chocolate…