Tag Archives: awkward

Self exploration through writing

On the way home from the store tonight, I was thinking about how most characters in books have certain virtues and talents that get them through life and hard times, such as being courageous or have a great voice (like in the book Fairest), or how many fairy tales the princess has to be beautiful and that’s what helps her, while the men are strong and brave, and don’t back down, they don’t give up. Steadfast.

So I was thinking about my characters. Since I started my writing exercises last year, I’ve focused mainly on one character, and though I do have others, they’re pretty similar. And, well, they’re similar to me, because I have a hard time writing outside of my personal experience. I can write characters that already exist, or base a character off a real person, but since my writing exercises are for me alone as a form of therapy, my characters take on traits I either see in myself or wish I had. When I write these characters down, and look at the story from afar, I can see things so much clearer than when they’re in my head, when I’m examining myself. I have to step outside of myself in order to see me better.

Claire is definitely not perfect. She has anxiety and depression, feelings of worthlessness and the strong overwhelming desire to be worth something. And in her desire to help in any way she can, she’s also afraid of messing things up, which in turn can mess things up. I noticed she has a strong maternal instinct, she has the desire to protect and to care for others, even if she doesn’t know them. She’s a nurse and a fighter, tending to the wounded after fighting a battle. She’s also practical to a fault, one some might call a “stick in the mud.” I don’t get to test out my prowess on a battlefield (and I’m sure I’d be bad at it), but I do know I’m good at taking care of people. It’s like some sort of auto-pilot comes on and I just go…

I do have a strong urge to protect people, and to help them, and to make their lives better in any way I can. I don’t know why, it’s just how I am, despite that I pretty much don’t trust anyone and am constantly on my guard. And as strange as it is, I’m loyal to a fault as well. Those people who have hurt me over the years, the people who have backstabbed me and betrayed me… I have continued to keep whatever secrets they may have told me, and I refuse to go on my public scenes to complain about them, and even here, I don’t mention names. I guess in a way, I don’t even hold it against them, really. I can still be civil with them, even if I can never trust them again. If someone else is fine with them, who am I to besmirch their name? What happened was between them and myself, no one else. I think there are maybe two or three people who I have told anything to over the years, and I’ve told them because I know they won’t say anything to anyone else and they won’t seek out any sort of payback for me. I do not need anyone attacking anyone else because I said something.

And as weird as it is, I would still help those who have hurt me. If I had the means and they needed my help, I would help them. That’s just how my family is. I can’t imagine being any different. And it shows in my characters a lot. They’re lonely, protective, desperate to be worth something, and willing to sacrifice themselves for the good of others. They are not heroes, they are in the background helping the heroes. They don’t want attention and if they can help anonymously, they will, because just the knowledge that someone might be happier, even just for a moment, because of something they did, it’s worth it. Even if it’s just smiling at someone who looks like they’re having a bad day or buying someone a coffee, or even just leaving a piece of artwork for someone to pick up.

I want to make the world a better place, I want to help people in any way that I can, and what better way than to go out into the world and touch people’s lives? It would be better if I wasn’t so… anti-social and socially awkward, and an outsider. Even if society deems me to be a freak and unfit to join their ranks, even if they bully me, and people like me, I will continue to do what I can to help others. I think that because there is so much pain even here in the states, that’s more reason for me to go do things to help out. I know the states has it easy compared to many, many other countries, but this is where I am, and where I can do the most good for now.



There’s a lady on talking to me right now and I have no idea what she’s meaning. It feels like she’s trying to tell me to stop talking about how being bullies isn’t helping anything… I know my posts tend to be long but they should be straightforward… I thought that my post would be taken as a “Don’t be a hypocrite and bullying is bad.” But people are commenting all sorts of other things on it that go deep into philosophy, and then this lady PM’d me and has just now blocked me because she apparently doesn’t agree with me? I don’t know… it doesn’t make sense to me.

I *know* not every person fighting for equality is the same as these extremist SJWs. I know not every feminist is a man hating person. I am complaining about the people who ARE. Why is that wrong??

Edited to say that despite saying she appreciates things about me and thinks I’m a good person, the lady who blocked me was afraid I was going to screenshot her and send the screenshots to my supposed MRA groups, groups for reverse racism (I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised those exist), and groups to make fun of liberals.

#1, I have never been, nor will I ever be, in groups like that ever again. I was in Sanctimommy Said What and I saw what kind of a shit hole that turned into with everyone turning on each other… And then when that other group turned on me, I just quit groups altogether except things that post pictures of cute fluffy things. I’m done with groups.

#2, I don’t side with anyone except those who strive for equality between everyone. If everyone is too busy bitching about how bad they have it, they can’t see the solutions. I don’t want to make fun of people, I just apparently have a poor way of trying to show flaws in all extremist thinking. I want to figure out why people think the way they do, and I am such a stickler for as much honesty as I can that maybe it makes me seem… I don’t know… I pick on all sides, but sometimes I guess it seems more one sided? I don’t know. I just hate that the people I thought were on my side are just as bad, if not worse, than the people they claim to hate.

If someone on my newsfeed posts something incorrect, I can’t really scroll by. If I see it enough, I’ll make a post about it. Maybe it’s more a reflection of what people post? o.O

Maybe I should just become a hermit and say screw the world, let it burn. Why should I even try to make a difference if no side will have me?

Those closest hurt you the most

Recently, I followed my brother onto this facebook page where this guy posted a comic depicting a man and a woman, and she give him her number, and as they walk away, the man is thinking, “I hope she didn’t give me a wrong number.” While the woman is thinking, “I hope he doesn’t rape and murder me.” Below that was written, “Today on “We’re Past All That” a critical examination of how men are really hurt when women don’t trust them and how it’s important that we really consider those feelings.”

My brother started commenting against the comments claiming that men are rapists and are not to be trusted, and then I joined in, because this is a completely unfair assessment that only damages any kind of equality we’re trying for. My brother stated that the comic was an unfair example, and that a better thing for the man to be thinking would be “I hope she doesn’t falsely accuse me of rape.” My brother has spent the past 6 years having to deal with the repercussions of that.

We were called rape apologists for saying that most men don’t rape, and that saying it’s fine to mistrust men is the same as saying it’s fine to mistrust black people. Neither one is ok. They claimed we were trying to dismiss women’s experiences by saying that not all men rape… even though it’s more like 5% of the population that does. 5% is not most, it is a mere fraction. Why should millions of men be accused in the minds of women of something they will never do?

It builds up a barrier, something we’ve been trying to tear down. It sets us back, and the people who claim that no man is to be trusted are just trying to raise up a new power in place of the old. No one group should ever be in charge, nothing will ever get better that way.

And of course my brother and I got banned, and then my mom sent me a screenshot showing me that my cousin apologized for our behavior… Great. How sweet. Apologizing for our behavior, knowing exactly what we’ve been through? Our position is as valid as theirs, but we were apparently invading a “safe space,” which happens to be a public page. PUBLIC. Safe places are private. Technically, there are no safe places… just look at what happened to me last year…

This is why I trust no one. I just didn’t expect it from family, especially the cousin I’m closest with.

Singing, and some self exploring

I love singing. It has a freeing kind of thing to it, to just pour myself out in song. I am painfully shy and lacking confidence. I used to be in a choir. We went all over the place, singing internationally even. It was sometimes so overwhelming I would get choked up on stage. I wanted to get better at solo work, and I was, but I got burnt out.

My brother is amazing at singing. He’s amazing at whatever he decides he’s going to do. It really sucks. He was given free singing lessons from the master music director just because his voice was so awesome. I couldn’t even get my parents to pay for lessons for me… No one recorded my solos, either. I felt like I was once again tossed into the shadows of my brother. I know I would never want to trade places with him. I would never want his life. But I have a hard time getting over the whole fact that he was given so much just because he was smart and talented and I feel like I’ve had to struggle, to work hard, to get anywhere. He had his college paid for by our grandparents, he was just given so much. Like when he had his son, our grandparents gave him $1000. I think we got a card and some books. I’ll probably be paying student loans for the next 8 years. But after everything, I have more respect, people like me more (so they say), people haven’t tried to punch me multiple times. I’m sure I’ve angered people, in fact I know I have, but nowhere near as much as my very socially inept brother. The people who have given him so much, he has insulted to their faces. He’s just telling them the truth as he sees it, not caring how it might affect them. I think there have only been a couple people who have made him cry from sadness in his life. Me, his ex-wife, and his girlfriend. I’m not actually sure on the girlfriend, though. The one incident that still stays in my memory is when I told him I didn’t love him, because at that moment I really didn’t feel like I did. He keeps claiming he has no emotions, that he doesn’t care about a lot of things, but I have seen the very rare raw side of him.

I think this adventure into discovering what ASDs are really all about is going to help me connect more with my brother. Such as the conversation we had after I was done seeing my therapist. I told him she said she didn’t think I have Asperger’s because I can tell when I’ve said something to upset people. He replied that that doesn’t mean anything, it’s if you care about their feelings or even know why they’re upset at what you said. So that got me thinking about certain things that I’ve said that have gotten a really bad reaction, and how I felt about that reaction. I think I failed miserably at understanding what I did wrong. Such as how I thought I was being helpful in telling someone who was grieving for her mom (7 years dead) that she shouldn’t dwell in the darkness, shouldn’t dwell in the pain and suffering. She took it to mean “Move on already, sheesh!” It made perfect sense to me and I take my own advice, but I didn’t mean for her to move on. To me, she was focusing way too much on all the bad, and when people focus on the bad, they feel bad. So they should focus on the good. I think perhaps after having so many people close to me die, I might have a better understanding of how it was for me to tell her that.

One really bad time I did not understand a reaction at all was when my grandma was telling me about her son who had died shortly after birth (6 weeks, I think). She very very rarely mentioned him. I think I was about 12 at the time, and had recently lost a chick I had hatched. I loved that little chick, and it had imprinted on me, followed me everywhere, etc, and so when it died, I was very heartbroken. And so in my naivety, I though I could somehow relate to my grandma. She flat out yelled at me, saying that it was nowhere near the same thing and basically how dare I compare her son to a chicken. In retrospect, now that I have children of my own, I can get a better understanding of what happened. At the time, I felt my feelings were very valid and was incredibly hurt that she lashed out so bad. While it wasn’t right of her to do that, I can’t really blame her now. I only wish these epiphanies didn’t happen so much later… She died right before I had my first son, so I could never tell her.

I can’t really think of much else to say now. I don’t have much social interaction on a personal level, so I haven’t been able to really tell if I’m more socially inept than I thought… It’s also harder now, because I’ve gotten a lot worse than I was. I became jaded and closed myself off to people. It’s painful because I need to talk to someone, but I don’t trust people. I really only talk to my husband.


I have recently discovered that I may have Asperger’s, which is apparently being called High Functioning Autism. It runs in the family so I’m not too surprised, although I never thought it could be me. I guess I’m good at hiding it. Which is why I’ve created this blog. I was inspired by Aspergirl’s blog to write down my own journey of self discovery. The reasons why Asperger’s seems to fit so well, my family, and all the things that now make sense. Things like rocking when upset, not fitting in, being socially retarded.