Tag Archives: confusion

Self exploration through writing

On the way home from the store tonight, I was thinking about how most characters in books have certain virtues and talents that get them through life and hard times, such as being courageous or have a great voice (like in the book Fairest), or how many fairy tales the princess has to be beautiful and that’s what helps her, while the men are strong and brave, and don’t back down, they don’t give up. Steadfast.

So I was thinking about my characters. Since I started my writing exercises last year, I’ve focused mainly on one character, and though I do have others, they’re pretty similar. And, well, they’re similar to me, because I have a hard time writing outside of my personal experience. I can write characters that already exist, or base a character off a real person, but since my writing exercises are for me alone as a form of therapy, my characters take on traits I either see in myself or wish I had. When I write these characters down, and look at the story from afar, I can see things so much clearer than when they’re in my head, when I’m examining myself. I have to step outside of myself in order to see me better.

Claire is definitely not perfect. She has anxiety and depression, feelings of worthlessness and the strong overwhelming desire to be worth something. And in her desire to help in any way she can, she’s also afraid of messing things up, which in turn can mess things up. I noticed she has a strong maternal instinct, she has the desire to protect and to care for others, even if she doesn’t know them. She’s a nurse and a fighter, tending to the wounded after fighting a battle. She’s also practical to a fault, one some might call a “stick in the mud.” I don’t get to test out my prowess on a battlefield (and I’m sure I’d be bad at it), but I do know I’m good at taking care of people. It’s like some sort of auto-pilot comes on and I just go…

I do have a strong urge to protect people, and to help them, and to make their lives better in any way I can. I don’t know why, it’s just how I am, despite that I pretty much don’t trust anyone and am constantly on my guard. And as strange as it is, I’m loyal to a fault as well. Those people who have hurt me over the years, the people who have backstabbed me and betrayed me… I have continued to keep whatever secrets they may have told me, and I refuse to go on my public scenes to complain about them, and even here, I don’t mention names. I guess in a way, I don’t even hold it against them, really. I can still be civil with them, even if I can never trust them again. If someone else is fine with them, who am I to besmirch their name? What happened was between them and myself, no one else. I think there are maybe two or three people who I have told anything to over the years, and I’ve told them because I know they won’t say anything to anyone else and they won’t seek out any sort of payback for me. I do not need anyone attacking anyone else because I said something.

And as weird as it is, I would still help those who have hurt me. If I had the means and they needed my help, I would help them. That’s just how my family is. I can’t imagine being any different. And it shows in my characters a lot. They’re lonely, protective, desperate to be worth something, and willing to sacrifice themselves for the good of others. They are not heroes, they are in the background helping the heroes. They don’t want attention and if they can help anonymously, they will, because just the knowledge that someone might be happier, even just for a moment, because of something they did, it’s worth it. Even if it’s just smiling at someone who looks like they’re having a bad day or buying someone a coffee, or even just leaving a piece of artwork for someone to pick up.

I want to make the world a better place, I want to help people in any way that I can, and what better way than to go out into the world and touch people’s lives? It would be better if I wasn’t so… anti-social and socially awkward, and an outsider. Even if society deems me to be a freak and unfit to join their ranks, even if they bully me, and people like me, I will continue to do what I can to help others. I think that because there is so much pain even here in the states, that’s more reason for me to go do things to help out. I know the states has it easy compared to many, many other countries, but this is where I am, and where I can do the most good for now.

Misunderstanding

There’s a lady on talking to me right now and I have no idea what she’s meaning. It feels like she’s trying to tell me to stop talking about how being bullies isn’t helping anything… I know my posts tend to be long but they should be straightforward… I thought that my post would be taken as a “Don’t be a hypocrite and bullying is bad.” But people are commenting all sorts of other things on it that go deep into philosophy, and then this lady PM’d me and has just now blocked me because she apparently doesn’t agree with me? I don’t know… it doesn’t make sense to me.

I *know* not every person fighting for equality is the same as these extremist SJWs. I know not every feminist is a man hating person. I am complaining about the people who ARE. Why is that wrong??

Edited to say that despite saying she appreciates things about me and thinks I’m a good person, the lady who blocked me was afraid I was going to screenshot her and send the screenshots to my supposed MRA groups, groups for reverse racism (I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised those exist), and groups to make fun of liberals.

#1, I have never been, nor will I ever be, in groups like that ever again. I was in Sanctimommy Said What and I saw what kind of a shit hole that turned into with everyone turning on each other… And then when that other group turned on me, I just quit groups altogether except things that post pictures of cute fluffy things. I’m done with groups.

#2, I don’t side with anyone except those who strive for equality between everyone. If everyone is too busy bitching about how bad they have it, they can’t see the solutions. I don’t want to make fun of people, I just apparently have a poor way of trying to show flaws in all extremist thinking. I want to figure out why people think the way they do, and I am such a stickler for as much honesty as I can that maybe it makes me seem… I don’t know… I pick on all sides, but sometimes I guess it seems more one sided? I don’t know. I just hate that the people I thought were on my side are just as bad, if not worse, than the people they claim to hate.

If someone on my newsfeed posts something incorrect, I can’t really scroll by. If I see it enough, I’ll make a post about it. Maybe it’s more a reflection of what people post? o.O

Maybe I should just become a hermit and say screw the world, let it burn. Why should I even try to make a difference if no side will have me?

Assumptions

I’m more and more convinced I should assume people won’t actually read what I write but will respond with what they assume I wrote. I’m still trying to figure out why people don’t read. It’s not like it’s that difficult. Am I too wordy?

Is there some hidden message in saying “I need to avoid all plant matter and stick to only meat and dairy”? How is that possibly worded to mean “I can’t have meat”?

My husband says I need to pretend I’m always talking to toddlers.

You know, we came across this problem all the time at the library. No one would read the signs. We would have signs all over the place saying the printer was dead, at every computer, a few at the desk and covering the printer itself and people would stare at the sign and ask for their prints, then they would get mad at us when we said the printer was dead. They would tell us we needed signs, then get irate when we pointed out each sign.

Why don’t people read?? Why do they just react? Does that actually work most of the time with neurotypicals? I have seen a few times of people saying “that’s not what I said” or “not what I meant” so it’s obviously not an all the time thing, but is it a more often than not thing or are people just… I dunno… this happens with people I know aren’t idiots. I just cannot for the life of me figure it out.

Friendship

I’ve been writing just random stories lately to help organize my thoughts, and I realized something in them, that I have a lot of trust issues. That I don’t want to let anyone in, because they’ll only hurt me. If I open myself up, they will stab me. How many times… how many times have I been hurt? Been treated as less than… because it’s easy to do that to me, I guess.

I found that I write this stuff a lot…
“You’ll leave me, everyone always does.”
“She wasn’t sure she could do it… get attached to someone else who was going to leave her.”
“Or maybe she was just so desperate for some company, even though she knew he was going to leave her too.”
“But how many times had she opened herself up only to get hurt again?”
“She had no real friends, just those at the festival that she occasionally hung out with. They were hardly ever there when she really needed them, though. She’d been pushing everyone away and living for nothing.”
“If you don’t care for yourself, how can you ever expect to be happy? It’s no wonder people don’t respect you, use you and then leave you.”
“He would leave her too. He was just using her like everyone else did anyway, why should she care if he left too?”
“I’ve just come to accept that everyone is just going to use me and leave me.”

Abandonment issues I guess? At least my family won’t abandon me. I have known so many people in my life and the ones I get closest to seem to leave me. Some at least just fade away, we grow apart, and that’s ok. But then there are others who use me. I love helping people, I love doing things for people, but I do not like being used. They take, and take, and take, and never give back, and I can only give so much before I can’t anymore.

I keep thinking that there are probably quite a few people out there who could be great friends if I only give them a chance… but I can’t. It took me a long time before I gave that group of women I talked about a chance… and I got hurt. I still hurt from that even though it was back in August. I stayed ‘friends’ with some of them on facebook and messaged them for New Years, and ended up having conversations with a few of them. Which would have been nice had I not been used again… Do I just have “therapist” written on my forehead that everyone needs to unload their problems onto me and then ditch me when I need to talk?

I’m exhausted, emotionally. I’m lonely. I have my family, my art, my stories. I have a few people I talk to online, and a couple of them I have opened up to, because they don’t use me, but I’m still afraid of losing them too.

I can’t say no. If someone needs me to listen, I will. I give and I give, and I feel like they’re starting to take my soul because they won’t give back. My characters in my stories are depressing. They’re tragic. And I can’t make them funny or happy-go-lucky, because they’re essentially the embodiment of myself and I’m trapped in this pit of depression and I can’t get out.

“She wasn’t trying to make up for anything, she was just… trying to prove she was worth something. Show the world that she wasn’t worthless, that she could be useful.”

“The last time I tried to talk to someone about this stuff… She got angry with me. She was my best friend and she got angry that I was depressed. That was years ago… I haven’t had anyone to talk to since, or at least I haven’t tried. There are only so many times one can get shot down before they simply stop trying, you know? I’m afraid to open myself up to that kind of pain again.”

“Why should I complain? Why should I have told you how much pain I was in on the road? What would that have accomplished? Why should I tell people how upset I am, how twisted up my emotions are inside? What good would it do but to bring others down? I need to figure this out on my own, let others live their own lives and be happy.”

“I keep pushing myself. I want to make sure I’m not a burden, that I make sure I’m useful and don’t need to… don’t need to be shoved to the side, ignored… but… That seems to happen anyway.”

Mistakes

Because my anxiety is so high right now, my depression is getting worse, I can’t say how reality is to how I’m currently perceiving it, especially since I feel like I’ve completely screwed up on so many levels.
That’s what this blog is for, getting my thoughts out so I can sort through them and figure out if things are as bad as they seem. Such as, our electric bill. We went with a solar company for our electric on top of the typical company, but at the end of July, we received a call saying that our solar had been unplugged (from their system or something) and they needed to reconnect it. No big deal. August, our bill was lower than I expected, but I figured it was because they’d been disconnected for an indeterminable amount of time. Our bill for the regular electric was normal too. But now, in September, our bill is lower than expected for the solar and $300 for regular. I don’t know why, I don’t understand how we could have used that much electricity in the time the solar was off, I don’t understand it, but I know we cannot afford it. We started this month at about -$170. Negative money… Adding $300 on top of it?
And then to make matters worse, I ended up asking my grandma about going to go visit her for Thanksgiving, before I found out we were going to be out so much money, and I asked with the words of my mother in my head telling me that Grandma would be paying as she did for their trip. She ended up sending a check for $2000, but it’ll cost $3800 to go and with my parent’s miles, that’d bring our out of pocket expense to $1400. So I called her and got the name and number of her travel agent and I’m going to see if she can maybe book it with Grandma, and have Grandma pay over there and I just send the check back, but waiting is killing me and I feel like I’m in over my head because we can’t afford anything. What the crap, I mean I’m trying to figure out how to get food. Our credit cards are practically maxed, my husband is overworked and stressed… I had some money put aside for a project I asked this lady to do a while ago, and now I’m going to have to ask her to hold it until I can give her all the money, which will probably not be until February when we get taxes in. It’s enough that we can survive without handouts… but dang. My heart is still racing, it feels like there’s electricity running through my throat and tongue that burns, and I feel like I’m going to pass out. When we were about to start this month, I thought that we’d finally get a break. I should know better by now.
Even worse, though, is that due to the stupidity of a “friend”, we also owe the State Parks $1090 because my husband took a sword into a state park. The “friend” told them they were going to a different place, not a state park, and my husband believed him… Argh. And that “friend” had the audacity to say it wasn’t that big a deal, he’s had fines before. It’s my husband’s first time and it was an offence that could have landed him in jail with a record. He could have lost his job! All because he trusted this douchenozzle!

Ugh… We always manage to make it, but we’re getting further and further in debt (Yay for the American dream, eh?) and I don’t know how much longer my husband can handle this kind of stress. I almost snapped, myself, yesterday when the kids decided to both meltdown at the store and I had to leave without what I needed. The youngest melted down solely because the other one did. And then when we got to the register to pay for what I’d managed to snag, they stopped screaming, were all smiles and happy with the cashier, and then started screaming again when I refused to let them play with a can of tomato sauce. They screamed all the way home, too, and then some. I locked myself in my room to cry while my husband dealt with the meltdowns… Every time we try to get out of debt, something screws up. Sometimes it’s a stupid expensive purchase we should have done, but then there are the times where it’s life slapping us across the face, like what happened in April when we were out $800 due to medical bills. We still haven’t recovered from that…
I suppose it doesn’t help that the group I’ve been relying on for support hasn’t been very supportive or understanding in certain situations and I feel like an alien again. Like I’m saying one thing but they’re reading something else… even when they say they understand, they then say something that just shows they don’t. I don’t want to be a responsible adult anymore…

Equality

It just occurred to me that many times my views on equality have been called racist or discriminatory.

Do you know what my views are? That everyone, every single person on earth, should be treated the same.

Rich or poor, tattoos or not, no matter skin color or ethnicity, sexual preference, or where you live, what you wear, what your religious or political views are, what your intelligence is, whatever mental status you are, or what color your eyes are or how famous you are… Everyone’s feelings should be considered. If you run a red light, you need to face the consequences, and the consequences should be the same for everyone. Steal, rob, lie, murder… it should be the same. If you get pulled over, you should never be treated differently based on looks or what car you drive, or anything.

I hate unfairness, injustice, and preferential treatment. We’re all humans, we’re all fallible. There is no one person above another. From that homeless bum on the street to Robin Williams. People discriminate and hate on things all the time. They want to feel special, they want to be raised above others, they desire power, don’t they. They want to be right. Who would want to be wrong?

Am I discriminating by not discriminating?
Am I silly for wanting this kind of equality? Why is it something that seems to confuse people?
Why can’t I figure out why people don’t like it? Do they crave being special so much more than peace and true equality? Or is it something else I can’t see? I desire to learn and grow.

Confusion

So… the psychologist went over the test results with me and after having some time to process it and talk to other people, I’m not entirely sure how to feel still. She said I have pretty much all the traits, but she says I seem to be able to read expressions and emotions too well to be on the spectrum. During testing, we read the picture book ‘Tuesday’ and she made mention of the fact that I said the frogs were terrorizing the birds, that the cat didn’t seem to know what to think, that the dog looked scared, etc. She also doesn’t think I’m on the spectrum because I don’t go on and on and on about my special interests. I think I’ve kinda been told to shut up a lot, and being shy, I’m just plain not assertive enough. I know I’ve gotten mad at people because I want to finish talking about a certain subject but they’re louder and more assertive than I am and so I just can’t talk.

She said I’m quiet, shy, have a monotone voice, flat expressions, I don’t pick up on social cues, my interests are abnormal, my IQ test scores were all over the place and therefore not accurate… She was confused by the fact that I’m very artistic and emotionally sensitive, and yet I analyze everything and use logic. I am an enigma. 

Talking with others who have been professionally diagnosed, they don’t think she knows how to diagnose females on the spectrum. So now I’m not entirely sure what I should do. Should I email her and ask her about the criteria for females and how ASDs present differently? Ask if she’s read anything by Rudy Simone? There isn’t much study done on females on the spectrum yet, although considering that Asperger’s in the US is still fairly a recent thing (1980’s – early 1990’s, really), so it’s not really surprising girls get passed by all the time. They’re just considered “weird.” 

So. Am I just “weird” or am I really on the spectrum and I’m getting passed by? Would it do any good to ask about it, or should I just drop it? Knowing me, I’ll be sending her an email tomorrow. Lol.