Tag Archives: crazy

Self exploration through writing

On the way home from the store tonight, I was thinking about how most characters in books have certain virtues and talents that get them through life and hard times, such as being courageous or have a great voice (like in the book Fairest), or how many fairy tales the princess has to be beautiful and that’s what helps her, while the men are strong and brave, and don’t back down, they don’t give up. Steadfast.

So I was thinking about my characters. Since I started my writing exercises last year, I’ve focused mainly on one character, and though I do have others, they’re pretty similar. And, well, they’re similar to me, because I have a hard time writing outside of my personal experience. I can write characters that already exist, or base a character off a real person, but since my writing exercises are for me alone as a form of therapy, my characters take on traits I either see in myself or wish I had. When I write these characters down, and look at the story from afar, I can see things so much clearer than when they’re in my head, when I’m examining myself. I have to step outside of myself in order to see me better.

Claire is definitely not perfect. She has anxiety and depression, feelings of worthlessness and the strong overwhelming desire to be worth something. And in her desire to help in any way she can, she’s also afraid of messing things up, which in turn can mess things up. I noticed she has a strong maternal instinct, she has the desire to protect and to care for others, even if she doesn’t know them. She’s a nurse and a fighter, tending to the wounded after fighting a battle. She’s also practical to a fault, one some might call a “stick in the mud.” I don’t get to test out my prowess on a battlefield (and I’m sure I’d be bad at it), but I do know I’m good at taking care of people. It’s like some sort of auto-pilot comes on and I just go…

I do have a strong urge to protect people, and to help them, and to make their lives better in any way I can. I don’t know why, it’s just how I am, despite that I pretty much don’t trust anyone and am constantly on my guard. And as strange as it is, I’m loyal to a fault as well. Those people who have hurt me over the years, the people who have backstabbed me and betrayed me… I have continued to keep whatever secrets they may have told me, and I refuse to go on my public scenes to complain about them, and even here, I don’t mention names. I guess in a way, I don’t even hold it against them, really. I can still be civil with them, even if I can never trust them again. If someone else is fine with them, who am I to besmirch their name? What happened was between them and myself, no one else. I think there are maybe two or three people who I have told anything to over the years, and I’ve told them because I know they won’t say anything to anyone else and they won’t seek out any sort of payback for me. I do not need anyone attacking anyone else because I said something.

And as weird as it is, I would still help those who have hurt me. If I had the means and they needed my help, I would help them. That’s just how my family is. I can’t imagine being any different. And it shows in my characters a lot. They’re lonely, protective, desperate to be worth something, and willing to sacrifice themselves for the good of others. They are not heroes, they are in the background helping the heroes. They don’t want attention and if they can help anonymously, they will, because just the knowledge that someone might be happier, even just for a moment, because of something they did, it’s worth it. Even if it’s just smiling at someone who looks like they’re having a bad day or buying someone a coffee, or even just leaving a piece of artwork for someone to pick up.

I want to make the world a better place, I want to help people in any way that I can, and what better way than to go out into the world and touch people’s lives? It would be better if I wasn’t so… anti-social and socially awkward, and an outsider. Even if society deems me to be a freak and unfit to join their ranks, even if they bully me, and people like me, I will continue to do what I can to help others. I think that because there is so much pain even here in the states, that’s more reason for me to go do things to help out. I know the states has it easy compared to many, many other countries, but this is where I am, and where I can do the most good for now.

The teenage diaries

I did have a bit of teen angst in my old diaries, but the depression made everything worse. Some people on facebook were sharing things about shows where people can go to share their old diary entries and make fun of their teenage selves, and so I went to look at mine, but I can’t laugh at it.

I still feel the pain, so well. I remember the knives, the pills, the darkness… and the darkness’s sweet embrace that was always just out of reach… My entries either read as a Captain’s Log play by play on things we did, or it’s a whirlwind of confusing emotions and me trying to process it all, ending with how exhausted, emotionally, I was, and how I was just tired of the pain.

“Oh that the darkness had taken me! I would welcome that darkness with open arms, if only to be rid of the pain… silent agonies… ripping at my heart, tearing my soul apart… and there’s no one to tell…”

I wish I could laugh at my teenage self for well, being a teenager, but I remember it too well. And besides, I wouldn’t laugh at a teenager who came to me upset over something I thought trivial. That’s what being a teenager is about, experiencing new and very extreme emotions, and trying to figure them out. Sadly, some teens have to deal with things like anxiety and depression along with everything else. And I cannot laugh at that, and I feel bad because I should be able to laugh at myself. I can laugh at stupid things I’ve said, like “I’d rather die than commit suicide!” (I think I was 9?). But I can’t laugh at the pain I was in, and everything else I wrote was pretty boring, like a news article.

“I wonder what plane I will fly in next. I sort of know, but I don’t know what it looks like. As big as a 747? That’s what I flew in on the way here. I don’t feel like I’m in Korea… I don’t know what I feel. Except that I feel no fear. None. I get a little nervous here and there… but not like I thought. I feel very comfy with not being able to speak the language (the security guards wear berrets!) 🙂 I wonder how it will go when I meet up with Wang Xin. Because it will be her country and language. Such an old and complicated language too! I hope I can learn it well and fast. My brother seems to have a knack to pick up languages. He speaks Japanese quite well, though for some reason doesn’t like Chinese. Oh well.”

When I write, it’s to transfer information, or to try to organize my thoughts or just get my feelings out. Like when I have a conversation with someone, phrases mean things to me whereas they’re just filler for other people. I don’t say things I don’t mean, and I don’t ask questions unless I really want to know the answer. My journals are the same, cataloging my days, my emotions, and what happened when. I have stacks of notebooks full of stuff, and it’s interesting to watch me go from being excited about having people to hang out with, to being flat out confused as to why they suddenly stopped caring about me, why they were lying to me, using me, and back stabbing me. It made me so cynical and now I don’t trust anyone.

I will not become attached to anyone again. I will not be used unless I say so (there are some situations where I’m meh about it, and will allow it because it’s no big deal). And since I can’t tell who has selfish motives most of the time, I treat everyone the same. I expect nothing in return, so when I get nothing, I’m not disappointed. I expect people to ditch out on me, because it’s happened so many times. For once, I’m not upset that my husband didn’t get me anything for my birthday. I would prefer it if my birthday ceased to exist, I think. I have more important things to worry about than whether or not someone forgot the day I was born. Again.

I may be rather jaded and bitter and cynical right now, but I won’t let that get in the way of wanting to help people. I just wish I had more to laugh at in my journals…

Chocolate

I am depressed. No denying it today. I’m so tired and just bleh. It’s not like suicidal, but I’m at the point where I can’t stand my kids. Today they have decided must be bother mommy by pinching her day. I do not even want to be touched, and they’re causing me pain. My baby is in the “grab boob and shove in mouth and bite” stage and even with his nails clipped it still really hurts. And when I take him off for the biting, he screams. I think he’s teething. It’s days like this that are the worst for me, and anyone around me. So why am I feeling so irritable and depressed today? Did I have too much sugar yesterday? Did I eat something I’m allergic to? Is it the lack of sleep? Or is it just stress? All of the above?

Screaming babies does not help at all. I just want to be left alone… and they keep touching me! I am not very sane right now I think. It is taking a lot of self control to stop myself from lashing out at the kids. It’s not their fault, and they are incapable of understanding that I’m having a bad day. When my toddler grabbed my arm and pinched/twisted right where I have a very painful insect (or spider) bite, the jolt of pain caused me to have a violent reaction. I just grabbed him but it scared him. I’ve not had a day like this in so long… I have no idea why… Maybe I’ve been thinking too much. I need to have at least 30 min of quiet and alone time tonight. Meditate… get to my happy place… why is my toddler being so noisy… he’s not had a nap (he gave them up) but he’s acting so tired and cranky. He’s being a typical toddler and getting into everything. Every. Thing. And of course telling him not to do something causes him to freak out. Why does he have to be so loud… it hurts my ears. He keeps waking his brother up. His brother is cranky and just wants to nurse. And chew. and claw. My chest is covered in bruises and little tiny scratches.

Maybe I’m just really stressed because we’re about $300-$500 (don’t know yet) in the hole. I have to figure out how to get that money so we can pay our bills. Forget even eating. I put in an application for food stamps, but I’m not sure if we’ll qualify. I think tomorrow I might buckle and try calling WIC again. We may or may not qualify now with 4 in the family. I’ve cut so much out, and yet somehow we keep running out of money. What else can I cancel… We’re trying to get rid of credit cards. Our pets, the ones that died… they brought our CareCredit up to about $2000. It’s more than I would like to spend per month paying it off. We spend a lot on credit card payments, and the house/utilities of course. All our bills take up my husband’s paycheck so we have to find other ways to get food (or pay bills, because feeding the family comes first). But right now we’re just so down and we’re out of diapers, toothpaste, deodorant, and wipes. We’re almost out of milk and other food stuffs and we’ve only spent $170 on groceries and it was mostly on dog food, diapers, paper towels and toilet paper. I really hope we can get some help. I know that my husband’s parents would bend over backwards to help, but they’re already having money problems themselves because of my husband’s sister and grandma. My parents are pretty broke and it’s mostly because of my stupid student loans. They pay over $500/month on those things and we’re paying about $440/month.

We could always get rid of our pets to save money… ha ha ha. Like we’d ever do that. I already took care of our internet/phone/tv thing so that we’re basically just paying for the internet, something that with my husband’s job is needed. We’re trying to switch to this solar company to save money on electricity. I bake a lot, make things from scratch, make big meals for leftovers, don’t eat out much, buy in bulk, have a garden, do portion control, etc… I just don’t know what more we can do. I’ve already had to call and defer one of my student loans for a while. We ate ramen and hot dogs for lunch. At least I’m good at figuring out food. Ham bone soup tonight. I think it needs cornbread… mmm… We’ll get by, we always do. God may not like us to have money, but he doesn’t seem to let us get too far down… When I say I don’t think he wants us to have money, I mean that every time we get a substantial amount of money, something inevitably pops up. Like a flat tire or something. Oh well. Who needs to have money anyway, right? I just need a lot of chocolate…

4.3.13 Dream

Very interesting dream…

I was in New York but it was the future. I think I was there for a convention, something like Dragon Con maybe. I can’t remember exactly where it starts, but I remember driving down a road and it was steep. We passed a house and I got all excited, yelling “That’s my uncle’s house! My uncle used to live there!” I was jumping up and down in my seat I was so excited. And then I saw a restaurant we used to eat at but it was run down and boarded up. I was sad, but I was understanding that things can’t always last. I remember that I was with people that I don’t know in reality, but in the dream I knew them well. We drove down to this little convenience store that was like a tackle and bait shop. We were not in the city, btw. There were eucalyptus trees and the driveway was dirt. There were some hunters and fishermen there but they didn’t like us strangers. It felt like we were foreigners from another country rather than just another state. They were threatening us subtly, and then I think someone started shooting arrows at us and I called them dirty using dirty tactics. So we left.

Back in the city, there were famous people all over the place and it looked like the architecture was all from ancient Greece or Rome, really cool buildings although the coloring was bland and bright with the sandy grey marble. The funny thing was that it was set up like an old west town, too. Multi-cultural-multi-era. I’m trying to remember who all was there… Michael Weatherly (NCIS – DiNozzo) was definitely there. Maybe Jester Hairston? There were a bunch of people I didn’t know, of course. I can’t remember what we were doing in that one building, but we left and then someone’s son was missing so we had to go find him. Then the scenery changed, I guess we jumped forward into the future some more, because the old buildings were replaced with these weird looking new buildings that were mostly a dark reflective glass held together with a dark blue metal and it felt like a police state. 

There was a sense of urgency in the atmosphere and also fear. We had to find the kid, but it turns out he wasn’t exactly innocent. The cops were also looking for him and there was this evil rich guy with a helicopter as well. The dream got dark here and I remember something about wild animals running around, like lions and bears. There were clouds and it was getting dark. Someone made mention that Family Guy did an episode like this, although I can’t say I remember it.

There’s a lot more but because of how I was woken up, it’s difficult to remember…