Tag Archives: Depression Autism Aspergers Pain Death Despair Rant Vent Frustration

At a loss

I feel rather lost, really depressed, confused… and I don’t know how to feel. People are turning on lifelong friends over misinformation and lies and differing opinions, as if people’s opinions somehow changed over night and they’ve suddenly become horrible people to avoid.

One friend, I don’t know what to think. She hasn’t really spoken to me in months now, I don’t know if I did something wrong or if there’s something going on in her life, but I know things have changed to where I’m not in her circle so much anymore. I can usually tell when someone’s attitude toward me has changed, I just can never figure out why. And right now I’m not sure whether I should pursue it, if she’d even tell me, or if I should just accept that this is how I am.

I can never really keep friends. The most they last is 2-3 years before leaving me. I have one friend who has stayed true for 16+ years now, he’s not going anywhere, aside from dying… Another person I guess is sort of a friend? We’ve known each other for about 14 years, though we don’t always agree on politics and it’s gotten a little… tense, I guess, between us with all the stuff going on.

I rely on facts, evidence, statistics, reason and logic, stuff like that, to get an idea of how the world is. I have a hard time with emotional arguments, they don’t make sense to me if they’re not back up with facts. For some reason, this has cost me¬†quite a few “friends” off Facebook, and now I feel like it may have cost me someone I actually really care about, because the last few times she’s commented on anything of mine, it’s been heated, and I don’t understand it at all. I don’t get it. I keep trying, but I feel like I’m missing something, because I can’t understand social stuff very well.

I’m good at pretending, and I think people forget that I’m pretty much just going by script and information from past experiences that may not apply to all these new ones. I don’t know if I’ve somehow inadvertently hurt my friend, or just pissed her off, or if she’s grown bored of me, or if her life is just throwing her for a constant loop for the past few months and she’s been aloof with everyone.

My paranoia and anxiety are convinced I’ve screwed it up though.

It’s just happened so many times, what’s one more to add to the list?

I feel like I should just give up on having friends entirely. I’m obviously not a good enough one myself.

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