Tag Archives: fear

Self exploration through writing

On the way home from the store tonight, I was thinking about how most characters in books have certain virtues and talents that get them through life and hard times, such as being courageous or have a great voice (like in the book Fairest), or how many fairy tales the princess has to be beautiful and that’s what helps her, while the men are strong and brave, and don’t back down, they don’t give up. Steadfast.

So I was thinking about my characters. Since I started my writing exercises last year, I’ve focused mainly on one character, and though I do have others, they’re pretty similar. And, well, they’re similar to me, because I have a hard time writing outside of my personal experience. I can write characters that already exist, or base a character off a real person, but since my writing exercises are for me alone as a form of therapy, my characters take on traits I either see in myself or wish I had. When I write these characters down, and look at the story from afar, I can see things so much clearer than when they’re in my head, when I’m examining myself. I have to step outside of myself in order to see me better.

Claire is definitely not perfect. She has anxiety and depression, feelings of worthlessness and the strong overwhelming desire to be worth something. And in her desire to help in any way she can, she’s also afraid of messing things up, which in turn can mess things up. I noticed she has a strong maternal instinct, she has the desire to protect and to care for others, even if she doesn’t know them. She’s a nurse and a fighter, tending to the wounded after fighting a battle. She’s also practical to a fault, one some might call a “stick in the mud.” I don’t get to test out my prowess on a battlefield (and I’m sure I’d be bad at it), but I do know I’m good at taking care of people. It’s like some sort of auto-pilot comes on and I just go…

I do have a strong urge to protect people, and to help them, and to make their lives better in any way I can. I don’t know why, it’s just how I am, despite that I pretty much don’t trust anyone and am constantly on my guard. And as strange as it is, I’m loyal to a fault as well. Those people who have hurt me over the years, the people who have backstabbed me and betrayed me… I have continued to keep whatever secrets they may have told me, and I refuse to go on my public scenes to complain about them, and even here, I don’t mention names. I guess in a way, I don’t even hold it against them, really. I can still be civil with them, even if I can never trust them again. If someone else is fine with them, who am I to besmirch their name? What happened was between them and myself, no one else. I think there are maybe two or three people who I have told anything to over the years, and I’ve told them because I know they won’t say anything to anyone else and they won’t seek out any sort of payback for me. I do not need anyone attacking anyone else because I said something.

And as weird as it is, I would still help those who have hurt me. If I had the means and they needed my help, I would help them. That’s just how my family is. I can’t imagine being any different. And it shows in my characters a lot. They’re lonely, protective, desperate to be worth something, and willing to sacrifice themselves for the good of others. They are not heroes, they are in the background helping the heroes. They don’t want attention and if they can help anonymously, they will, because just the knowledge that someone might be happier, even just for a moment, because of something they did, it’s worth it. Even if it’s just smiling at someone who looks like they’re having a bad day or buying someone a coffee, or even just leaving a piece of artwork for someone to pick up.

I want to make the world a better place, I want to help people in any way that I can, and what better way than to go out into the world and touch people’s lives? It would be better if I wasn’t so… anti-social and socially awkward, and an outsider. Even if society deems me to be a freak and unfit to join their ranks, even if they bully me, and people like me, I will continue to do what I can to help others. I think that because there is so much pain even here in the states, that’s more reason for me to go do things to help out. I know the states has it easy compared to many, many other countries, but this is where I am, and where I can do the most good for now.

Advertisements

Stressed

I’m at a loss. My husband is drifting away, closing himself off. I’m fairly certain he’s pretty depressed. Well, with our finances the way they are, that’s probably a big thing there. He makes money, and then chunks get taken out until he’s left with nothing. We’re struggling. And our house is a mess, something that I know gets to him. I keep trying to keep up with it, but it’s very difficult with a toddler and a baby. Speaking of, my husband hates them. I don’t think a day goes by where he doesn’t wish they didn’t exist. Ok, maybe not hate, he does love them… but he certainly doesn’t like them. It shows sometimes, especially lately. The other day he was practically abusive to the toddler (some wouldn’t consider it abuse, others would… I think it was over the line either way). His anger, frustration, and depression are bringing us all down and I don’t know what to do. He’s not seeking help except in his computer, and that just makes it worse.

For our anniversary, we couldn’t get a baby sitter, so we stayed home and ended up fighting. I’m just so stressed and I need someone to be there for me and he’s not. I’m actually starting to understand why and how a woman could end up in an affair. I consider it completely wrong and immoral to do anything of the sort while still married, but I can see how someone who feels different could be pushed to it. I didn’t used to be able to see this. I desperately need someone to lean on, but it feels like if I ever mention being frustrated, tired, stressed, etc or that he’s closing himself off to me, he blows up. 

That’s why we fought on our anniversary. I was upset because he didn’t get me anything. No handmade card, no candy bar… He keeps saying he wants to get me things, but never does. He says he never knows if we have enough money. Yet he’s able to spend money on himself… Granted that has slowed down a lot lately, it does still happen. I’m not even asking him to spend money on me, though. What about breakfast? Make me pancakes in the shape of a heart or something. A handmade card…. I just want to feel thought of… I know he loves me. He does tell me, and sometimes he’ll come up and hug and kiss me and tell me thank you for something… Why can’t that be enough? Why do I want him to do something special for me? Why do I always have to do it for myself? Like for Mother’s day when he told me to go buy something. I just want him to do something for me! 

I’m feeling lost and confused and so so busy while he plays on his computer for hours, or games with his friends. I keep trying to do everything I can around this house. Today I tried to finish and get the invitations for my toddler’s birthday party in the mail (missed it), fed the kids breakfast, lunch, snacks, and dinner, bathed the kids, washed the dishes for dinner, cooked a nice venison dinner of which I had a bite of potato and two bites of venison (the venison was payment for tutoring), organized and cataloged old baby clothing to try to sell, tried to get a package together to mail (didn’t happen either), forgot to call some people, managed to send an email to my grandma (I keep forgetting…), watered the garden, trimmed a large bush, and all while trying to keep an eye on the kids. I did shower after the kids fell asleep, and just finished a bowl of cereal, which might bring me up to about 1400 calories eaten today. 

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be tempted to off myself or something at this point. I honestly don’t know how much longer I can hold out like this.

And on a side note, I feel like my husband cares more for his stuff than his family or friends… I think if I sliced my hand open, he would be more concerned about the blood on the floor. I know he’s exasperated with me and my problems. My inability to be perfect. I’m overweight which means he’s no longer very attracted to me, always in pain, I’m depressed, I can’t keep the house clean, he thinks I coddle the kids… I’m a big screw up to him. And I gave him the curse of children. I already hate myself enough without him helping.

So what good would leaving do… neither one of us is the type to quit on something just because of a problem. I just really don’t know what to do. So often these days I just want to leave. Not forever, but for a day or two, maybe a week. He’s already stormed off once recently. Just said he was leaving and hadn’t decided on whether he’d come back or not.

I’m supposed to be going to bed… I have to go sing tomorrow… but I’m afraid of leaving him alone with the kids… I don’t know what will happen, I just know something will. My toddler will break a dish and send my husband over the edge or something. I’m so tempted to cancel everything tomorrow…

 

 

Consequences

Sitting here trying to eat my cereal, my toddler keeps trying to climb in my lap. I highly dislike this, it bugs the crap out of me. I hate being interrupted while eating and I hate having anything get in my way. So why I would choose to eat something such as cereal while he’s running around loose is beyond me. I wasn’t even planning on eating breakfast, but before I knew it, I had poured myself a bowl. So I guess my body had other plans, eh? Anyway, the toddler climbed up into my lap and kept trying to get at the cereal, of course. It’s very awkward to feed him while in my lap and I was afraid he was going to spill it so in order to prevent a spill, I tried to move him. He’s got these weird anti-gravity magnet feet or something because they would not leave my lap and in our struggle, and my urgency to get him down, we spilled the cereal. My fault… I should have tried to stay calmer while figuring out how to get him out of my lap. Maybe picked him up or something.

But it made me remember something. It seems like the more we try to stop something from happening, the more likely it is to come to pass. How many stories have we heard where someone is out to stop the prophesy, but by doing so, allow it to come to pass? In the Bible, this king tried to trick the prophesy by sending out another man dressed in his armor while he was disguised and hiding, but a stray arrow still found him and killed him. Most movies that have anything to do with a prophesy have people who make them come true by attempting to thwart it. Harry Potter, for instant. Or Willow. Or this that and the other thing, lol. In my case, I was trying to prevent a spill, which caused the spill. It makes me think of other things that have happened in history, such as Prohibition. They wanted to get rid of the evil that alcohol caused, but inadvertently made it worse. Some would say the same about making certain drugs illegal as well, and who knows what would happen if guns were banned in the US, what with the mentality here and all. Some countries it works, some countries it makes it worse. 

Does this mean that we should never try to stop something? That we’ll only make it worse? No. It’s when we don’t think rationally, clearly, and logically that things tend to blow up in our faces. With prophesies, I think that even if you went to meet your doom you’d still find it. True prophesies can’t be thwarted. But with the consequences of trying to stop something like spilling cereal and actually causing it, it’s better to try to think things through, calmly and logically. With topics like gun control, illegal drugs, and moral standards, letting emotions cloud judgment will definitely not work. Don’t ignore the emotions, but let them guide in a more controlled manner while using rational thought. If I allowed myself to let my emotions take the lead, I’m very certain that I would fight a lot more with my husband and my kids would be miserable. When the cereal spilled, I had a lot of anger and frustration fill me, and if I wasn’t in control, I would have lashed out at my toddler even though it was my fault that the cereal had spilled. 

I have seen people who are governed purely by their emotions and it’s scary. One lady I know is always yelling at her kids, cheated on her husband, and hates certain movies just because they don’t completely agree with everything she believes. Anyway, I’m totally getting sidetracked again… But the point is that people can’t be friends with her unless they think like her. I can’t believe how many people I’ve met who hate differing opinions. I’ve been banned from websites/blogs/facebook groups because I commented something that didn’t agree 100% with the poster. Once I noticed this one lady who is charging people to read her blog asked for contributions and some people were asking if they would get paid. It seemed reasonable that someone who thinks their time and effort was worth something to pay those who would contribute, right? Well when I went back to look at the answer, those comments were gone. So I asked about them. I think I was deleted and banned within seconds… I was polite, reasonable, and everything, but for reasons I still cannot fathom, I was banned. No reply or anything, just poof, gone. Another person thinking with emotion rather than logic and rationale. Why couldn’t she have just said, “No, sorry, I don’t have that kind of money to pay people for their work?” Or “I’m looking for people to do this for free?” 

I keep having to stop myself from going on massive rants down rabbit trails, lol. *just breathe and focus*. I guess I’m just trying to say that a lot of problems can be avoided if we stop just reacting and actually thinking first. Obviously there are situations where reaction without thinking is needed (baby in front of bus?) and there are situations that just plain can’t be helped… But thinking calmly and rationally is a very good thing and I wish both my husband and I could remember to do it more often instead of just reacting.

On that note, my toddler is trying to stand in his highchair while flapping his arms and yelling his word for mommy (?? sounds like “Monet”) quite happily. He doesn’t actually want me though. 

Allergies and nerves

So we have guests tonight and I made a white cheese sauce and breaded chicken breasts with corn and carrots. Now, I have Oral Allergy Syndrome and am allergic to almost all of nature, lol. Usually it’s not too bad, but it gets worst in the spring (of course). I’ve been having really bad allergies since the trees in our neighborhood started pollinating the world and have been avoiding many foods I usually get some sort of reaction to, even the minor ones. So when I went to make dinner, I found I was out of white all purpose flour and only have whole wheat flour. So I used it in my roux and on the chicken, not really thinking. I only ate a little (and sadly, stupid me even went and ate some corn and carrots) before I started having difficulty breathing and my face and neck started itching and burning. It’s been over an hour and I’m still having small problems. So much for eating dinner.

I’m allergic to fruits, vegetables, nuts, grains, adhesives, and plants, and probably other things I don’t know about. Before I became pregnant with my first son, it wasn’t that bad. I could eat oats just fine and wheat only made me uncomfortable. Now I can’t even eat Cheerios without having a bad reaction, which is sheer torture since oatmeal, cheerios, and raisin bran are my favorite cereals. I am reduced to rice. I think I’ve been having trouble with the overprocessed peanut butter and super white breads too. I keep having people telling me that I need to go on the paleo diet (hahahahahahaha!) and that I need to eliminate dairy as well (which I may or may not be sensitive to? Not bad enough to really tell. Or care). So I made a list of foods I can eat without any noticeable reaction and a list of foods I have had a reaction to, even if it’s really minor.

Good:  Overly cooked soups, Meat, Eggs, Tea, Chips/crackers, Cookies/most candies (sans nuts or fruit, or coconut), Cooked rice, Rice cereal, Baked goods not made with whole wheat or fruit (bagels, breads, cakes, pastries, donuts, etc), Dairy???, Cooked bleached noodles, Non-caffeinated clear sodas, Snack cakes (little debbie), Beans

Bad: Fresh fruits, Fresh berries, Fresh Vegetables, Nuts/seeds/grain, (fresh plant material in general), Juice (from 1% up), Some cooked fruits, Some cooked vegetables, Raw dough, Uncooked dry noodles, Cooked wheat noodles, Wheat cereals (cream of wheat, bran flakes, wheat chex, etc), Oat cereals (oatmeal, cheerios), Corn cereals? (cornflakes, etc), Cereals such as fruit loops, Banana bread, pumpkin bread, etc, Dairy???, Red food dye, Caffeine, Artificial sweeteners, Chocolate syrup, Raw cacao

I’m the only one in my family who has such a problem. My dad gets an itchy mouth with bananas, but that’s about it. Cucumbers are the worst for me, I can’t even smell them without getting a reaction. I had someone try to tell me Oral Allergy Syndrome isn’t a real allergy, but I can guarantee that I have an allergy. I don’t know why I do. My mom has always been into healthy foods, gardening, raising/hunting our own meat and everything. Heck, she even had me as an unmedicated home birth. I’m a fluke. I have allergies, mental issues, and nerve problems. I also get sick easy. After having my first son, I had 4-5? different infections, one of which required major neck surgery.

Which brings me mention my latest fun. I have developed peripheral neuropathy. It’s in my hands, feet, back, chest, and tongue now. They checked me for heavy metal poisoning and I’m fine, I don’t have diabetes, I don’t have an elevated RBC or WBC. The only numbers that weren’t normal was the Folate at >20.0 where normal is about >5.4, but I’ve not found anything about that that could point to neuropathy. Oh and it’s not lyme disease. It could be genetic (aka the fibromyalgia), cancer/tumors, or maybe a very small possibility of Parkinson’s. My grandma had fibromyagia, Parkinson’s, and neuropathy and I am very much like her. No one seems to remember if her neuropathy started before or after the Parkinson’s diagnosis, but I remember it had gotten so bad, her feet were horrible looking because she couldn’t feel anything. She’d had infections and broken toes and they were so swollen my mom had to make her special sock slippers. I seem to be following in her footsteps, only much much earlier. I was 18 when I got my fibromyalgia diagnosis, now darn near a decade later I have the neuropathy. I’m uncertain as to what I’d prefer. Cancer or Parkinson’s. At least there are cures for cancer, however I think that’s pretty low on the list… I would be lying if I said I’m not terrified. I watched my grandma die of the Parkinson’s and it was scary. 

I am terrified. There’s nothing I can except continue what I’m doing. I want to at least see my boys grow up.