A Dream

So earlier this month, I was taken to the emergency department for what they thought at first was heart related. It turned out to be dehydration, and was causing my kidneys to be very upset. I’ve taken benadryl before, in pill form, so when they said they were going to give it through the IV, I was like, ok, sure.

I swear, I thought I was dying. It terrified the crap out of me, but I couldn’t do anything about it. My mind was being clawed at, but I couldn’t move, I couldn’t do anything, I was paralyzed, and I couldn’t stop thinking that I was dying, that the nurse had given me something else. It was a horrible feeling I NEVER want to experience ever again. I already have problems with medical procedures… they have to drug me just to examine my teeth at the dentist. I had a panic attack at the doctor’s over a pneumonia shot.  So I suppose it isn’t any wonder I had a dream like this:

There was darkness, and then I slowly felt like I was being carried as my senses started returning. I could hear two people arguing amidst all the other strange sounds I couldn’t figure out. A dull roaring, the scent of smoke and herbs in the air. I opened my eyes, but everything was blurry. I could see the outline of a man nearby and could tell he was yelling at someone. I blinked, trying to get my eyes to focus.
“Then leave!” He said. “I don’t know why you keep coming around in the first place!” I frowned, recognizing the voice, but all I could think was the name Anders. Why couldn’t I remember anything else? Everything seemed so foggy… As my vision cleared, I knew I recognized him, but I didn’t know from where, or why. The mage was irritated, focused on something else. I looked down at my hands, wondering why I felt so different. They were my hands, weren’t they? They were shackled, distorted from what I thought they should look like, but they were mine… Why was I shackled? Then I realized the mage was talking to the man holding me. I hadn’t even looked at him yet.
“What is the meaning of this?” Anders asked. “Why is she shackled?”
“You’re a healer, aren’t you?” The man holding her had a rough voice, an unpleasant tone. “Didn’t realize you were the type to ask questions. Just heal the girl.”
“If you’re a slaver, I will not heal her for you, nor will you leave here with her.” The mage’s expression was harsh and it made me shudder. I was still trying to figure out what was going on. I couldn’t remember anything of the events that led up to this point, I couldn’t even remember before that. There were things I *knew,* but I didn’t know how I knew them. Was I drugged? Suddenly, I was thrown to the ground, a sharp pain shooting through my belly, distracting from the pain of hitting the ground. I lay on my back, dazed, and looked over to my left where I could hear the sounds of fighting. Flashes of light from a staff, a man – elf? – with glowing tattoos and a large sword attacking men in plain brown armor. I felt nauseous and started shaking, and then I felt a tugging at the back of my mind, and it made me panic. I was dying, I knew it, I was dying.
“Help…” My voice was weak, but I was desperate. Soon the mage was kneeling beside me, looking worried. I was shaking so hard and my vision started going black. I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open, but I felt if I let my eyes shut, I wouldn’t live. It burned, my entire body burned, but it was so cold…
“Stay with me.” I heard him say, realizing I had shut my eyes. I tried to keep my eyes open, but I felt them roll into the back of my head, so instead I clenched them shut, struggling against the shaking. So cold. Everything was so cold. The sounds around me began to dim and the panic was clawing at my mind, but at the same time, I was having a hard time caring. I could hear voices, panicked, around me, but they were growing quiet, until there was nothing but silence and the darkness. The shaking had finally stopped.

Screw the American Dream

I’m just so frustrated with this whole system right now. Every time we try to get ahead, we come out barely on top, or under. My husband is trying to get his Master’s degree so he’ll go up a paygrade, but then we just found out that our medical is going up double and then some per month, so we’re going to end up making even less money. We’re paying almost $1000 in student loans per month as well, something those government assistance programs don’t calculate. They also only calculate gross, rather than net, so when they see my husband making $4600 per month, they don’t think we need help, despite the fact that we only see a little over half that. I’ve hardly spent any money on food this month – we’re living on ramen and hot dogs, pretty much. My brother bought us some chicken and some ground turkey at least, and I have some ham in the freezer from last month. I made $20 from tutoring so I bought some fruits, vegetables and milk. We’re still a few hundred short on paying bills though. I don’t want to use my husband’s birthday money (which he hasn’t gotten yet?), but I figure if I transfer everything from savings over to checking and float a couple bills, we’ll only need to figure out how to get $100. And then we get to figure out next month… So screw this. And screw WIC. 

My husband won’t let me get a job, not like I could anyway. I’d have to get one that would cover childcare and gas costs, and childcare seems to be very expensive. Besides, we’d both rather I stay home with the kids. It’s better for them. My husband says I have a very important job in raising the kids, it just sucks that we have to struggle and continue to struggle despite making even more money. We can’t just ask people for money every single month… it’s bad enough that my in-laws buy us diapers. Both sets of parents are struggling with money. My parents retired, but then had to get jobs tutoring to help make ends meet. It feels like a never ending cycle of struggling to survive and never just making enough to be comfortable. So screw this.