Tag Archives: stress

Reaching the breaking point

I don’t know how much more I can take before I crack. Because my husband is in the Masters program, he has to write a thesis, and it’s a big deal, but we have two hyper little boys who are very loud… So his teacher said he needed to find a way to get rid of them so he can have quiet time. I have to leave for the entire day with them so he can get work done.

I’m so exhausted already… Going out makes it worse, especially with the boys. Because the eldest gets over stimulated so easily, being out creates more meltdowns. They’re already cranky from the past week where I had to go get a bunch of things done, a lot of it for my husband’s work.

I need to be strong. I can’t let him know how close I am to breaking, because he doesn’t need that kind of stress added to the pile he already has, but this whole thing had me sobbing in the shower and then I ended up silently crying myself to sleep. I have never cried myself to sleep before.

I’m going to my parents’ today, they can at least help, it’s just exhausting just leaving the house. Maybe they’ll let me take a nap… I wonder how far I can push myself until I break. I’m going to have to find a way to get the kids out of the house every afternoon when my husband comes home too… I don’t know what I’m going to do for dinners. I don’t know why it’s so hard to ask for help… probably because the only people that can help have problems of their own.

The lady down the street who can help has three kids of her own that are quite a handful, plus her mother lives with them and she has health issues and they always seem so stressed I don’t want to add to it. My mother in law still works, technically two jobs, and my father in law is hardly ever home because of his job. My parents are the only ones who are retired, but they’re constantly doing things. They already help so much… like when I have to go to the doctor.

That’s another thing. My doctor said I might need to be put on hormonal birth control because of the problems I’ve been having, but he’s not sure so I have an appointment with GYN next week so they can pinpoint the problem. Whether it’s a hormonal imbalance, cysts, endometriosis, or what… And I feel myself about to cry again because I can’t rely on my husband anymore. I can’t put more pressure on him, more stress. I feel like someone took a sledgehammer to my foundation and it’s shaking me to my core. I will have to talk to him, but I don’t want to.

I have no idea how much of this is unfair to me, how much I’m supposed to take, or what. I already do everything around the house. I do the automotive care, I changed the lights in the chandelier and the outside porch lights, I need to climb into the attack and change the smoke detector’s battery, I fixed the sink, I do the laundry, I make the meals, I feed the cats, I do the dishes, I do the bills, I run the errands, I make the phone calls…

He works and goes to school and most of the time feeds the dogs. Right now he’s playing video games. I’m waiting for the laundry to get done so I can get dressed and get the kids dressed so we can leave so he can do homework and have a quiet day… I am incredibly jealous. And this is going to go on until June.

I’m screwed, aren’t I.

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It keeps running through my head on how much around the house is my responsibility versus my husband’s. He works full time, sometimes leaving the house by 6 am and not getting home until 8 pm, depending on the day and activities. Recently, he wasn’t able to get home until after 10. He’s also going to school for his Master’s, taking one to two classes at a time online, though this next class he’ll be driving an hour and a half away immediately after work and not getting home until around 11. At least it’s only once a week.

So obviously he’s busy and needs what help he can. It’s frustrating for both of us. Even while starting this post, I got a text from him saying he needed me to bring him something that he’d forgotten. I don’t mind helping, and I usually don’t tell him any of the stress that comes with it, like how I have to get my three yr old and two yr old to cooperate with the sudden “have to leave now to get daddy his stuff” because my husband usually only realizes he forgot something right before he needs it. My three yr old doesn’t do well with sudden schedule changes and sometimes he’ll have a meltdown. Thankfully today wasn’t too bad, I had just taken the chicken from the oven and was letting it cool when I got the text. Some days I have to pick up pizza and snack foods for meetings, or one night I had to go to four different stores to find specific prizes, but one of the stores was closed by the time I got there so I had to go in the morning. I swear his work needs to start paying me.

But around the house, I do pretty much everything. We kind of share feeding the dogs, but I do the dishes, laundry, general house upkeep, finances, everything with the kids, shopping, yard work, general repairs, mail, all the meals, and take commissions to bring in extra money. I’ve been sick since December, and can’t seem to get better, but I can’t slow down any more than I have. Stress has never been good for people who are sick, but being a mom and a wife in charge of keeping everything together, I really just can’t slow down. I wish I knew how to get rid of stress without locking myself in solitary confinement for a few weeks. I do not need to go to a mental institution because I pushed myself too far.

The sleep deprivation isn’t helping much either… Something always wakes me up in the night, more often than not it’s a crying toddler. I don’t get rest. My dreams certainly keep me busy. Last night There was this girl from a large family and she and I were going to go down into this old tomb but I found out her family was drugging her to make her want to go outside so they could trap us in the tomb and kill us… There was a bunch of running around holding chickens that we called turkeys and I remarked how similar to griffins they were… It was exhausting. The other day I let the kids run around the back yard and just laid down on the ground, unable to do anything else.

Far too tired… I need to go finish laundry, dishes, and do dinner by 5:30 and then I have an appointment at 7 I need to leave by 6:15 to get to… I have an hour and a half. My husband needs a new job, soon…

Socializing fail

My husband has a knack for getting what he wants. Today, some colleagues invited him to dinner and invited me as well. I’ve been home cleaning all day with two cranky babies, so when he texted me asking if I wanted to go, I said no. There was no way I was going to deal with my kids at a restaurant in that state of mind. So then he texts me back saying his mom would babysit. So how could I say no, right? Just a bunch of adults at a nice (supposedly) quiet restaurant. After his mom got to the house and we put the toddler to bed, we left to get to the restaurant. I had never met these colleagues before, but from what my husband was telling me, they shared many of the same interests, so I was curious to meet them. There were only 6 of us at the place, but one was a young girl, maybe 5? And she was sitting at the end of the table. Incidentally, that’s where I was placed as well… I’m very awkward around talkative kids. I felt like I had been placed at the children’s table, away from the adults. The restaurant was loud and noisy (although to most people it was probably acceptable and low key) and I couldn’t really hear what everyone was saying, I had to lean in and strain to hear them. It was especially difficult with the little girl constantly trying to show me things on her mom’s phone. 

Every time I tried to join in the conversation, it was like I just couldn’t get a word in edgewise. I kept trying to talk, but they either talked over me or just couldn’t hear me. I don’t know. So the most meaningful conversation I had was basically “Oh our plates match! Look, you have blue and I have blue!” -_-; I hope I at least made her night more enjoyable… The mom took her daughter home early and we ended up staying, as my husband had discovered one of the colleagues really enjoys Firefly. We love Firefly here too, and so they went on and on about it, which led into the talk of Star Trek and the new movie, and I managed to mention a couple things, but as soon as I started actually talking about the original Star Trek and how the franchise was essentially executed before being revived by the latest movie, everyone got up and no one was paying any attention to me. Since everyone left, I just petered off and no one said anything about it. It was horrible.

I’m just really upset by the whole experience. I hate being talked over, I hate being ignored, I’ve been experiencing this crap for as long as I can remember. I’m just a quiet person, I’m shy and uncertain, especially with new people. It didn’t help that while I’m not good at naturally reading people’s body language, I have studied psychology and what certain poses mean and this one guy had his arms crossed almost the entire time and it made me very uneasy. I couldn’t tell if he was mad, upset, bored… Most people follow a certain set of psychological rules for body language, but I’m not sure if he was, or if he just has different body language. Either way, it bothered me. So on the way home, I tried to distract myself from crying and this guy stopped in the middle of the road so my husband slammed the brakes on and the guy behind us almost hit us. Scared the crap out of me. My heart felt like it tried to jump through my chest and I tensed up so much it hurt my neck. Of course all I could think at the time was how much it would hurt my neck if we got hit because of how tense I got! Lol.

So instead of sleeping, I’m a big bundle of nerves and anxiety and frustration. I am highly upset, and am thinking I should just let myself cry about it, as petty as it all seems. Oh boy, you spent an hour getting ignored again! Nothing new there! But it is still upsetting, and I don’t know why I even said yes. I should have continued to say no. “No, I’m sorry, tomorrow I have to get up early and drive for a while, and I want to rest today after all that house work.” But it’s like I just can’t say no… I hate people right now and I wish I could just not deal with them ever. My husband is currently holed up in his computer room, playing video games… I don’t know what I want from him but I feel like I just really need him right now.